Top Pitfalls That Block ChemSex Recovery

About This Episode

In this episode, Dallas and his assistant coach Bobby pull back the curtain on what actually gets in the way of chemsex recovery. Drawing from their combined lived experience and daily work with clients inside the Recovery Alchemy program, they walk through the most common patterns they see — the ones that keep guys stuck, cycling through the same loops no matter how badly they want to change.

Whether you're still using and wondering if things could be different, or you're already in recovery and hitting a wall, this episode was made for you. There's no judgment here. Just an honest, direct look at what might be holding you back — and what you can start doing differently today.

How to Use This Guide

Dallas and Bobby identified nearly 20 distinct pitfalls that block chemsex recovery. This guide walks through each one. Don't try to absorb everything at once. Read through it slowly. Notice what lands. Notice what makes you want to skip ahead. That resistance is usually pointing at exactly the thing worth looking at.

At the end, you'll find five reflective questions, five journal prompts, and five action exercises to help you move from insight into actual change.

Listen to Episode 

Watch The Episode 

Pitfall 1: Othering — "I'm Not Like Them"

One of the first things Dallas sees when men enter the Recovery Alchemy program is a subtle but powerful defense mechanism: othering. It shows up as comparing yourself to other men in recovery — either looking down at those you see as "worse off," or dismissing those doing well as fake or lucky. Either way, the message underneath is the same: I don't really belong here. I'm different. I don't need what they need.

Bobby recognized this in himself when he entered 12-step rooms. He'd mentally sort people into "worse than me" and "full of it." What he eventually realized was that the sorting had nothing to do with anyone else — it was a way of avoiding the mirror. When you other the group, you also other the tools. And when you reject the tools, you stay stuck.

Dallas puts it plainly: the guys who say they don't need to block contacts, don't need to fill out the program forms, don't need to show up in the group chat — those are often the same guys who keep relapsing. Not because they're weak, but because it's too frightening to fully own where they actually are. If you've ever thought my situation is different or I could stop if I really wanted to, sit with that. It might be true. It might also be othering yourself out of the help you deserve.

Pitfall 2: Inconsistency — Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Meth use is, by nature, inconsistent. You show up today and vanish tomorrow. You start a journal and stop by day two. You respond for a week, then go silent. Dallas describes it as being like a rocket circling the earth — visible for a moment, then gone, then back again. You cannot build momentum that way.

Recovery requires doing the opposite of what active use looks like. Bobby makes a sharp observation here: when he was using, he was incredibly consistent — consistently making sure he had supply, consistently managing his schedule around it. The task in recovery is to redirect that same energy toward consistent daily action.

It doesn't have to be dramatic. Making your bed. A morning walk. A daily check-in with your coach or support person. These things feel small until you realize that how you do one thing is how you do everything. When you're neglecting yourself in the small ways, you're setting yourself up to neglect your recovery in the bigger ones.

Pitfall 3: Isolation and Not Reaching Out

Chemsex lives in secrecy. Dallas describes it like black mold — it grows in the dark and dies in the light. And yet so many men carry this entirely alone. Dallas and Bobby estimate that more than half of gay men currently using meth are doing so without a single person in their life knowing.

What happens in that silence is that cravings grow, shame deepens, and the meth brain has no one to reality-check it. Dallas shared the story of a client who had been getting on Grindr all week without mentioning it — even while talking to Dallas almost every day. The omission wasn't malicious. It was shame. But that gap between what you share and what's actually happening is often where relapse lives.

Reaching out — even just saying I'm having a craving in a voice memo or a quick text — takes the charge out of it. It puts light on it. And light is what kills it. You don't have to have a full conversation. You just have to stop keeping the secret by yourself.

Pitfall 4: Lack of Follow-Through and No Detailed Plans

Dallas and Bobby spend significant time on this one because they see it constantly: incredibly detailed, thoughtful recovery plans sitting unused in someone's phone or laptop, never actually followed.

The foundation of this work is proactive planning — especially for your danger zones. For most men, that's the weekend. For others, it's returning from a trip, being alone in a hotel room, having several days off in a row, or when a partner is away. If you know a danger zone is coming, the work is to plan for it before it arrives — not when you're already in it and your willpower is gone.

That means scheduling your time hour by hour, arranging check-ins with your coach or support network, and making plans that are strategic (like scheduling Sunday morning coffee with someone, which makes Saturday night feel less like an open door). It also means having a reentry plan for when you return from trips or events where the transition back to regular life is high-risk.

The plan doesn't work if it just exists on paper. Follow-through is the whole thing. And catastrophizing early recovery as this is how my life will always have to be is just another way of avoiding the investment. These safeguards are temporary. But the investment you make in them is permanent.

Pitfall 5: Dishonesty — With Others and With Yourself

There are two layers here. The first is dishonesty with others — the omissions, the curated stories, the five different versions of yourself you maintain for work, family, friends, the apps, and your dealer. When you're managing that many personas, you lose track of what's actually true. You stop being able to feel the difference between authenticity and performance.

The second layer is harder: dishonesty with yourself. This is the false language you use — I'm never using again said at the bottom of a spiral, without any real belief behind it. Your subconscious tracks every one of those broken promises. Eventually it stops registering anything you tell yourself, because none of it has proven true.

Dallas's reframe: instead of I'm never using again, try I might use again. If I do, it's a learning opportunity. It's one step closer to stopping. Say it out loud. Notice how it feels in your body. If it feels more true, that's your starting point.

Bobby adds a practical check: gauge how honest you're being with others by how honest you're being with yourself. The further apart those two things get, the more danger you're in. Use that gap as a signal, not a verdict.

Pitfall 6: Overconfidence — "I Don't Need That Anymore"

This one is sneaky because it often shows up wearing the costume of progress. You feel good, cravings are low, life is okay — and suddenly the tools feel unnecessary. You stop checking in. You let the weekend plan slide. You think: I've got this.

Dallas is direct: you cannot base your recovery on how you feel. Emotionally, Wednesday might feel completely safe. That doesn't mean Friday night will be. Statistically, the relapse rate for chemsex is higher than almost any other substance — which means continuing to move forward with a beginner's mind, regardless of how far you think you've come, is not weakness. It's wisdom.

This is especially true when a new relationship starts. Getting into a relationship with a sober man early in recovery can feel like an arrival — like the work is done. And then if that relationship ends, or even just hits a rough patch, the first place the meth brain goes is the apps. Every time. Overconfidence borrows against future pain. Humility compounds interest.

Pitfall 7: No Recovery Team

Due to shame and stigma, a lot of men in chemsex recovery try to do this alone, or with only a coach or therapist as their single point of support. Dallas talks about a client who had been using for ten years without a single person in his life knowing. The first thing Dallas asked him to do was tell one person.

It took some courage. When he finally told one straight friend, the response was unconditional — loving, supportive, non-dramatic. That experience gave him the strength to open up more. Within months, he had stopped using entirely. One conversation changed everything.

You don't need everyone to know. You don't need to find a gay recovery community right away, though that can help. You need at least one person outside your coaching relationship who knows what's actually going on. Someone who will notice when you go quiet on a Friday. Someone who makes it harder to disappear.

Bobby also names something important here: many men in deep meth addiction have lost their original social network — not because friends left, but because they drifted away, stopped texting back, got consumed. Building a new social network is part of the work. And it doesn't require Grindr. Dog walking clubs, Chamber of Commerce events, community classes, hobby groups — gay men exist everywhere, and many of them have never appeared on any app.

Pitfall 8: Disorganization — Letting Life Happen to You

If you can't keep track of your weekly Zoom link, lose the check-in times, and consistently show up unprepared — that is data. Not a character flaw, but data. And it usually reflects a broader pattern of letting life happen to you rather than designing it with intention.

Disorganization in recovery creates gaps. Gaps are where meth lives. When you don't have a schedule, you end up at 10pm on a Friday staring at your phone with nothing to do — and that's precisely when the text from someone you shouldn't be talking to arrives.

Dallas points to his program's Atomic Habits-based modules here: building consistency doesn't require an overhaul. It requires attaching small actions to things you already do. The goal is to get yourself organized enough that your week has structure before it arrives — not as a punishment, but as a protection.

Pitfall 9: Accepting False Stories

This pitfall runs underneath almost every other one. The false story might be I'm not a texter used to justify not participating in the group chat. Or I'm just a disorganized person used to excuse not making a plan. Or deeper ones: I'll never be enough. I'll always be rejected. I can't do anything right.

These stories got you into chemsex in the first place. And now they're governing your recovery. Dallas asks clients to finish this sentence: I would have everything I want in my life if I wasn't ______. Whatever fills that blank is almost always a story — not a fact.

Your thoughts create your reality, not the other way around. The external circumstances of your life are largely downstream of what you believe to be true about yourself. That's not blame — it's actually good news. Because stories can be rewritten. Identity can shift. But first you have to catch yourself in the story and ask: is this actually true, or is this something I've been handed and never questioned?

This is deeper work, and it comes with time in recovery. But recognizing that the story isn't the truth is the beginning of everything.

Pitfall 10: Trying to Use Willpower Alone

Willpower is a finite resource. It depletes over the course of a day — which is a significant problem when your biggest danger zone is at night. By the time Friday at 10pm arrives, the self-control that was fully charged on Wednesday morning is running on empty.

Bobby explains it clearly: the answer isn't more willpower. It's removing the decision points entirely. When your phone is locked down, the apps are blocked, your contacts are changed, your weekend is planned, and your coach is checking in — you don't have to rely on willpower because you never reach the moment of decision in the first place.

The bumper guards on the bowling lane aren't an admission of failure. They're just smart design. Willpower builds over time, as you get enough distance from the substance to start trusting yourself again. But in early recovery, you can't borrow against future self-control. Build the structure now.

Pitfall 11: Not Blocking Apps or Changing Your Number

This one is non-negotiable in early recovery, and yet it's one of the most common places men resist. The objections are always the same: my number is tied to everything, everyone knows it, it's too much hassle. Dallas hears it constantly — and he says it plainly: what is it worth to you to stop using?

Unlike almost any other substance, chemsex has a direct pipeline running through your phone. The apps aren't just a social tool — they're the delivery mechanism. Leaving Grindr, BBRT, Scruff, or any of the others installed in early recovery isn't just risky, it's the equivalent of keeping a pipe on your nightstand and hoping you won't pick it up.

Dallas frames this as entering the witness protection program. You change your identity, your access points, and your availability to the people who are connected to your use. It's temporary. It's not who you'll always have to be. But right now, it's what closing the door actually looks like — not leaning against it.

Pitfall 12: Jumping Into Sex Too Quickly — or Avoiding It Entirely

Sexual reintegration is some of the deepest and most complex work in chemsex recovery. For most gay men who've used meth, sex and the drug became neurologically intertwined. Which means that diving back into sex too quickly in early recovery can be a significant trigger — not because sex is bad, but because your brain has been conditioned to associate sexual arousal with using.

Bobby says this is highly individual. Some men are able to re-engage with sex relatively early without it derailing their recovery. Others need significant time and intentional work before their arousal template begins to recalibrate. The key question isn't when can I have sex again — it's am I jumping into this to avoid something, or because I'm genuinely ready?

On the flip side, avoiding sex indefinitely out of fear, shame, or the belief that you'll never enjoy it sober again is equally worth examining. Dallas is firm on this: you may never have sex the way you did on Tina, but you can have better sex — more present, more connected, more truly yours. That reintegration takes patience, curiosity, and often professional support. But it is possible. Dallas has done whole episodes on this topic if you want to go deeper.

Pitfall 13: Not Addressing Underlying Causes

Dallas says it often: quitting chemsex is the easy part. What comes after — the excavation of why you used in the first place — is the real work.

Bobby reflects on what meth gave him that he couldn't access without it: confidence, freedom from internalized homophobia, the ability to move through the world without fear of judgment or rejection. When he was using, he didn't care what people thought. He showed up as himself. What he came to understand in recovery was that those capacities were always his — the drug just lowered the barriers that were keeping him from them.

This is the work. Not just stopping the substance, but understanding what need it was meeting. Emotional regulation, connection, sexual liberation, relief from shame, escape from boredom or loneliness or an identity that felt too small — whatever it was for you, it was real. And it deserves to be addressed directly, not just removed and left as an open wound. This is where trauma-informed therapy becomes invaluable. A good therapist doesn't replace a coach — they work alongside one. Both are often needed.

Pitfall 14: Not Developing New Hobbies and Dopamine Sources

Meth produces dopamine hits that nothing in ordinary life can match — at least at first. When you stop using, the brain goes through a period of flatness. Things that should feel good don't. Pleasure feels muted, motivation feels absent, and ordinary life feels unbearably dull by comparison.

This is normal. And it's temporary. But you have to actively work to rebuild your dopamine system, not just wait for it to return on its own.

Bobby is clear that the hobbies don't have to be "recovery hobbies" — they just have to be things you actually enjoy. Skiing. A dog walking club. Cooking. A sport. Creative work. The goal is to start accumulating experiences where your brain gets a hit of something real. Over time, as the meth residue fades, those hits start to register more fully. The flatness lifts. But only if you're putting something in its place, not just leaving the space empty.

Dallas also makes an important distinction here: staying busy is not the same as doing the work. Filling every hour with activity can become its own avoidance. The goal is a rhythm — structure and connection and enjoyment, balanced with the actual inner work of understanding yourself.

5 Reflective Questions

Take your time with these. There's no grade here — just an invitation to look honestly at where you are.

1. Which of the pitfalls in this episode felt the most personally familiar — not the one you think is important in general, but the one that actually made you uncomfortable to read? What does that discomfort tell you?

2. When you imagine life without chemsex fully in your rearview mirror, what does it look like? And what's the story you tell yourself about why that isn't possible yet?

3. Who in your life actually knows what you're going through? If the answer is no one — what specifically are you afraid would happen if someone knew?

4. Think about the last time you felt genuinely good — alive, connected, like yourself — without a substance involved. What were you doing? Who were you with? What does that moment tell you about what you actually need?

5. If your meth use has been meeting a real need — for confidence, connection, freedom from shame, pleasure, escape — how are you currently meeting that need in recovery? If you're not, what's one small step toward doing so?

5 Journal Prompts

Write these out. Don't just think through them — something shifts when you put it on the page.

1. Make a list of all the different versions of yourself you present to different people: at work, with family, with friends, on the apps, with people you use with. Then describe the version that feels most like you. What would it take for that version to show up more consistently?

2. Walk through your most common danger zone in detail. What time of day or week is it? What's the emotional state that precedes it? What small decisions lead you there? Now write out what a protected version of that same time period would look like.

3. Finish this sentence and then keep writing for ten minutes: I would have everything I want in my life if I wasn't _______. Look at what you wrote. Is it actually true? Where did that belief come from?

4. Write a letter to your use — not to condemn it, but to understand it. What did it give you? What were you trying to feel or escape or access? What need was it meeting? And what might meet that need now?

5. Describe what your life looks like two years from now if you do this work fully. Not in a fantasy way — in a this is actually possible way. What do you have? Who's around you? How do you feel in your body when you wake up in the morning?

5 Action Exercises

Pick one and begin today. Not tomorrow.

1. Run a full recovery audit. Go through each of the fourteen pitfalls in this guide and give yourself an honest rating — not to shame yourself, but to identify the one or two areas where a small shift could create the most momentum right now. Write them down and share them with your coach, sponsor, or support person this week.

2. Design your danger zone plan. If your biggest vulnerability is the weekend — and for most of you, it is — sit down right now and map out Saturday and Sunday hour by hour. Who will you be with? What will you do? When will you check in with your support network? When does your phone lock down? Plan it like your life depends on it, because right now, it does.

3. Put on your meth thinking cap. Look at the next seven days and ask yourself honestly: if I were going to use, where would the opening be? What gap exists in your schedule, your phone, your contacts, your apps? Then close that gap — proactively, before it becomes a decision you have to make at 10pm on a Friday.

4. Tell one person something true. If there's someone in your life who doesn't know what you're going through, tell them something real this week. It doesn't have to be everything. I've been struggling with something and I've been keeping it to myself is enough to start. Notice what happens when the secret gets a little smaller.

5. Identify one false story and start rewriting it. Find a belief you've accepted about yourself — something that starts with I'm not or I can't or I'll never — and rewrite it into something that feels more honest and more possible. Practice saying the new version out loud, every day, until it starts to feel true in your body. That's not wishful thinking. That's how identity actually shifts.

A Note from Dallas

Recovery isn't pass or fail. It was never just about whether you used or didn't use — it's about who you're becoming, how honestly you're showing up, and whether you're building a life that actually has room for you in it.

You don't have to have this all figured out. You just have to stay in it.

If something in this episode hit home — even just one thing — that's your next step. Not the whole list. Just the one thing that stung a little. Start there.

Love you. 💚

— Dallas

Ready to go deeper? Visit drdallasbragg.com to learn more about Recovery Alchemy coaching.