In my early 20s, I was obnoxious, loud, and quite frankly, a bully.
Percolating anger from childhood circumstances met the anguish of being a closeted adult.
This perfect storm of bitterness rained down on others around me, especially those who appeared weak.
A Cracker Barrel server at the time, I worked to put my first wife through nursing school.
Stressed-out. Confused. Sad.
The management team had the bright idea to promote me to a new-hire trainer. The justification was (and I quote), "If they can survive Dallas, they'll last at this store."
This particular Cracker Barrel was one of the busiest and oldest stores. The servers were cut-throat and the customers demanding.
My sassiness and overbearing approach became a store-wide joke. I received a ton of attention and approval; everyone was awaiting my next quip.
One day, while training an older lady, she paused and looked at me with tears in her eyes. She said, "Honey, you are the first person I've ever met who can say 'Thank you' but it feels like 'Fuck you'. Her hand was on her chest as if I had hurt her heart.
The sight of her tearing up would have normally fueled me to break her down even more, living up to my reputation.
But, instead, I gave her a hug.
It made me realize the power I held in my tone and, more importantly, the intentions behind my words.
My 'shtick' of being the 'mean girl' was my way of feeling included. Accepted. Seen. My way of fitting in.
Because I had never felt that way anywhere else in my life.
Did I really feel human casualties, like little old ladies, were worth the feeling of belonging?
You see, my intentions lie deep within the pit of my wounds. The intention behind my actions was to survive. To feel worthy in a world that told me I was dirty, wrong, and headed to Hell.
I lived all of my life, which is how I found Meth, desperately searching for somewhere to belong.
Words are flavored by the intentions through which they are created. Often, what is actually said isn't nearly as important as the meaning behind it.
Intention.
The strongest force controlling our lives. Made even stronger by the fact that it most often goes unnoticed. In the shadows. A program placed there by our life conditioning.
Intention, if truly uncovered, can change EVERYTHING for you. Especially your substance misuse.
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The Stories We Tell Ourselves
You know that moment when someone asks how your recovery is going and you hear yourself say, "Great! I'm really committed this time."? Meanwhile, inside, a quieter voice whispers:
