Most of y'all reading this won't remember Anastacia. No, not the Disney film. The singer-songwriter who rocketed to fame in the early 90s then plummeted similarly. Her music was prominent on my "Tina Tunes" Spotify playlist.
During the first year of meth use, before it became severe, I spent many nights alone. I would blast Tina Tunes and put make-up on, redesign my bedroom, or work on art projects. Especially if the Grindr grid happened to be slow.
On this particular Friday night, I was belting Anastacia and deep into a project. "I'M OUTTA LOOOOOVE! SET ME FREEEEEE...!"
There I was, on my back, positioned on the side of the bed. My feet planted on the floor. I had my hands gripping the sides of the mattress. Taking my right hand, I marked the spot where my left hand landed and vice versa.
I lifted my legs in the air, spread eagle. "That should work." I stood up and placed my body between the marks, dry-humping the air.
The project: installing straps on the side of the bed so whoever was bottoming could stay put. Additionally, I planned to put my bed up on cinderblocks because the frame had broken more than once.
As I measured and prepared a supply list, I heard five Grindr dings in a row. "Oooo I just got some pics!" I dropped everything and checked the app. Hmm, a new face in town.
I replied with my portfolio, asked the usual questions, and continued with the project. For once, I didn't want to hook up. My brain was Tina-focused on getting this project completed for my next romp.
Ding. Ding. Ding.
Damn, this guy is persistent.
I checked Grindr again; he wanted to play really bad. And, when any guy showed that much interest in me, I would immediately invite him over. I would never pass up the chance to feel desired. But, there was something about his desperation that gave me pause.
❌ Red flag #1: Too eager.
Each time I returned to my project, he would rapid-fire message me. I skimmed his texts: boyfriend had kicked him out...no car...no money...stranded at a coffee shop...big dick.
❌ Red flag #2: Stranded sob story.
For the first (and probably only) time, I rejected his parTy proposal. I decided to stay in for the night to finish planning the project. He proceeded to shower me with compliments and offered to help me with the cinderblocks.
❌ Red flag #3: Overcomplimentary.
I swiped through his pictures one more time. I asked him for more. Everything inside me screamed, "BAD IDEA!"
But at that moment, the switch happened.
The moment that Tina took over, and I became a walking puppet. My mind said no, but my body moved as if I had absolutely no control. I found myself grabbing my keys and walking to the door like a zombie.
In my gut, I knew it was wrong. But my brain wasn't my own.
On the way to pick him up, I turned my car around twice. My intuition was trying so hard to stop me. But, each time, he sent a new sexual promise via Grindr.
I finally released total control to crystal meth.
Ten days later, after several schizophrenic breakdowns (and zero sexual encounters), I forced him to leave. In a manic episode, he walked to the police station and told them I had boys trapped in my home.
The next morning, my house was invaded by 15 police officers. I was arrested for what would be the first of four times.
How many times have you experienced the switch?
That moment when you give in to Tina and ignore your gut?
How many times has your body turned into an involuntary puppet?
Those incidents have led to the erosion of self-trust. Your nervous system is disconnected. You have ignored the voice of the Universe too many times.
Rebuilding a connection to your intuition takes time and practice.
But it CAN be done. I am a walking testimony.
And I'm here to walk you through the process.
How much longer will you wait?
Dallas đź’š
July 29, 2024
Responses