Hey y'all,
The term "shame" gets thrown around so often within the addiction recovery space.
Especially when it comes to Chemsex (men who have sex with men engaged in sexualized drug use).
Shame is also the most misunderstood concept within the addiction recovery space.
Today, we take a deep dive, so bookmark this email if you don't finish it all right now, or grab a cup of coffee and settle in.
Shame whispers lies about who we are, what we're worth, and whether we deserve love and belonging.
But here's what I've learned through years of walking alongside incredible gay men in recovery:
Shame isn't your enemy
It's a protector that's been working overtime, and it's time we understood its language.
Today, we're discussing shame's landscape - not to judge or fix, but to understand, heal, and transform.
Because on the other side of shame lies the most authentic, powerful version of yourself.
Are you ready?
I help gay men break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex (Tina) and become their best and highest selves. My 1:1 coaching, Recovery Alchemy, is a six-month, intense program that can literally change your life. I accept 2 new clients per month. Apply Here.
Understanding Shame
Research from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) shows that LGBTQ+ individuals face higher rates of substance use (20-30% compared to 9% in the general population) due to minority stress, including shame around sexual identity, internalized homophobia, and social rejection.
Shame is fundamentally different from guilt, though they are conflated.
Guilt says, "I did something bad," while shame whispers, "I am bad."
Shame is a biological response that kicks in when we fear social consequences - rejection, abandonment, punishment - for being our true selves.
For gay men, this architecture often begins early.
Think about it: as young boys, many of us learned that our natural expressions of desire, affection, or even our way of moving through the world could result in rejection from the very people we needed most.
So we created internal splits - we rejected the part of ourselves that we were told was 'bad', which became a part of ourselves that polices our thoughts, words, and behavior.
We've betrayed our truth for so long that it has become our norm.
