As a military brat, I grew up in trailer parks along the coast of North Carolina.
Instant neighborhood of other military brats.
A huge fenced-in playground was in the center of one of the parks. I remember playing there until the "street lights came on," the universal Gen X sign that it was time to come home.
Interestingly, the neighborhood kids (perhaps it was the military influence) were divided into two groups and declared war on one another.
There were two "forts" located in opposite corners of the playground.
I became a double agent spy, going back and forth from one group to another, claiming to be on their side.
I shared 'intel' with both of them and for some reason, I really enjoyed the ability to compartmentalize myself in a way in which neither side truly knew me or my intentions.
Hiding myself came naturally.
So did the need to be liked by everyone.
Being a double agent continued as a theme in my life as I grew older.
Because the true me was deemed to be 'wrong' or misplaced in my family and culture, it felt fulfilling to create who I needed to be.
I became a master of disguise in order to fit in with my surroundings. Eventually, becoming completely disconnected from self.
Many of you will relate.
Because our true selves were shoved into a dark compartment, we had to create various identities to feel normal or connected.
This is one reason crystal meth is so appealing.
The secret world of chemsex allows us to live as a double agent spy, serving both the normie and drug-infused personas.
The road to recovery means integrating all of the various personalities into one solid and true identity.
This integration is also called Integrity.
What Integrity Really Means for Us
When I was using, my double agent abilities were in full force.
I became a master of compartmentalization.
The me who showed up at work, the me who partied, the me who called my mom on Sundays โ they were different people living in different universes that never touched.
Sound familiar?
Integrity isn't about being perfect or "good" โ it's about becoming whole again.
The word itself comes from "integer" โ meaning complete, undivided.
It's about bringing all those fragmented parts of yourself back together.
When we stop spending energy maintaining these divisions:
- The exhaustion of keeping track of who-knows-what begins to lift
- The constant fear of being "found out" loses its grip
- Our intuition gets louder because we're not drowning it out with the noise of contradiction
- We discover resources and strengths we didn't know we had
For us who've danced with crystal, this integration process isn't just nice to have โ it's essential medicine because living split lives is exactly what allowed our addiction to thrive in those dark, disconnected spaces.
