Do the Work (on the root issues)

My 8-year-old body was veraciously bouncing on the leather school bus bench on the ride home. Typically the jostling would be caused by the rough, rural West Virginia roadways. Not today.

I glanced down at the artwork in my hand, but my eyes went straight to the blue ribbon attached at the bottom. My gaze returned to the window, anxiously monitoring our progress toward home.

I was hopping in excitement. My artwork had won "Best of Show" and I could hardly wait to show my parents.

Growing up with a mother who belonged to a Pentecostal Holiness family and a father who was considered a "roughneck" left a young gay boy feeling out of place. Not only ostracized but perpetually wondering what was "wrong" with me. I felt like a disappointment to everyone in my life.

On this day, I didn't miss the mark. I was recognized as the best. At that age, I couldn't articulate what I was feeling, but looking back I can see how the blue ribbon was a way to prove my worth. Tangible evidence I wasn't a total loss.

Running up the driveway, I noticed that my mom wasn't home. To the left, my dad's legs were stretched out from underneath the front of his truck. I hesitated to interrupt him but was too excited. Dashing over, I announced that I had something to show him.

Sliding out from under the truck, setting down his wrench, and propping himself up on his hands, he stared for a few moments at my artwork. The pastel chalk hummingbird approaching large open flower petals must not have been what he expected.

"Looks like a girl did that."

As he physically crawled back under his truck, I figuratively crawled deeper into my cave.

I believe my addiction was born in various moments of my childhood like this one. It wasn't what happened to me as much as what wasn't given to me. When a child's needs are neglected such as approval and acceptance, they may spend the rest of their lives trying to fill the void.

For me, crystal meth did just that.

In this week's episode of The AfterMeth, Dave's powerful story of meth addiction and recovery shines a light on a hidden epidemic - the rise of crystal meth use in the LGBTQ+ community, particularly among younger gay men.

Dave's story differs from mine because he reports growing up in a functional and supportive family. However, he was plagued with anxiety and insecurity. What often starts as a way to escape underlying anxiety, trauma or insecurity becomes a destructive cycle of craving and despair.

The COVID-19 pandemic only exacerbated the issue, with increased isolation and mental health struggles fueling addictive behaviors. But Dave's journey shows that breaking free from meth's grip is possible with self-work, community support, and a willingness to address root causes.

It is my opinion that sometimes when we embody a belief that addiction is a life-sentence "disease" we accept that we will be addicts forever. That notion can prohibit you from unpacking the layers of trauma needed to be set free.

While each person's story is unique, the progression of meth use to full-blown addiction often follows a familiar pattern. The first intense euphoric high creates shockwaves of intense cravings. What started as recreation soon consumes relationships, jobs, finances, and self-worth.

If you listen closely to all the podcast episodes, you'll notice a common theme: chasing the first experience. The first time you use crystal, deeply ingrained neural pathway imprints are created. The message from your nervous system is "We NEED to feel this AGAIN". The "feeling" goes beyond sexual pleasure; it is about freedom, liberty, and belonging.

For many, it takes hitting rock bottom to find the courage to seek help and begin recovering physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. Building a supportive sober community is critical.

Dave's Sober Gay Sunday group has been hugely successful in the Boston area. The supportive social network provided by this community has healed many men to deepen their recovery. Groups like this one are sorely needed.

The temptation to use, especially in social situations, can be ever-present for those in recovery. Managing cravings requires a toolkit of coping strategies:

To supplement this discussion, I made a short guided meditation. Hope you enjoy!

Guided Meditation: I AM My Best Recovered Self

The path of breaking free from meth, while profound, is walked one courageous step at a time. Be gentle with yourself and surround yourself with a community that empowers your authentic, sober self to emerge.

Join in the conversation! I'd love to hear from you! Are you using the journal prompts and reflective exercises? Why or why not? What would you add to this discussion?

Love you! --Dallas 💚

May 9, 2024