Next Level Ammend Making

What if the traditional amends process is just the foundation, and there's a whole other level of transformation waiting?

Hey y'all,

Let me start by saying this: If you've done traditional amends work in a 12-step program, that took courage. Real courage.

Making a list of people you've harmed and taking responsibility isn't easy.  For many people, it's been a crucial part of their healing journey.

But I want to talk about what comes next.

Because here's what I've noticed in my seven years of recovery and working with gay men trying to break free from crystal: traditional amends addresses the what and sometimes the how, but it rarely gets to the why.

And it's the why that holds the real power for transformation. The why is the key to evolution into your highest expression. 

What Traditional Amends Accomplishes (And What It Misses)

The ninth step asks you to make a list of people you've harmed and make direct amends to them. This process serves important purposes:

• It builds accountability and personal responsibility
• It helps repair relationships when possible
• It creates closure for both parties
• It demonstrates changed behavior through action
• It helps you face the reality of your impact on others

These are valuable outcomes. For many people, completing this step brings genuine relief and healing.

But here's what I've observed: traditional amends tends to focus on the external—the behaviors, the apologies, the outward demonstration of change.

What it often misses is the internal transformation that makes lasting recovery possible.

You can apologize to everyone on your list and still not understand why you behaved that way in the first place.

You can make amends for specific actions without discovering the subconscious beliefs that drove those actions.

You can repair relationships without healing the wounded places inside yourself that will inevitably create similar conflicts again.

Traditional amends ask:

"What did I do wrong and how can I make it right?"

Next level amends asks:

"What was happening inside me that made that behavior make sense at the time? And how can I heal that at the root?"

Both questions matter.

But only one leads to the kind of self-knowledge that prevents patterns from repeating.

The Mirror Principle: Everyone Reflects Something Back

Every person in your life acts as a mirror, reflecting something within you back to yourself.

When someone triggers you—when their behavior makes you angry, frustrated, disgusted, or hurt—they're not just being difficult.

They're showing you an undeveloped or unhealed aspect of yourself.

Your strong reaction is a signal, your psyche's way of saying: "Pay attention. There's something here for you to learn."

This works both ways. When you admire someone's generosity, courage, or authenticity, that's also a mirror showing you your own potential for those qualities.

Here's what I want you to know: Those conflicts you had while using? Those relationships that imploded? Those moments when you were at your absolute worst?

They weren't evidence of your fundamental brokenness. They were mirrors showing you the subconscious beliefs driving your behavior. Those beliefs don't disappear because you apologized.

I help gay men break free from the addictive patterns of chemsex (Tina) and become their best and highest selves. My 1:1 coaching, Recovery Alchemy, is a six-month, intense program that can literally change your life. I accept 2 new clients per month.  Apply Here.

From Shame to Self-Knowledge: A Different Process

Instead of asking "What did I do wrong and how can I fix it?" try asking: "What was this person reflecting back to me about my own unhealed places?"

Let me walk you through a completely different approach to processing your past:

1. Become the Observer, Not the Judge

Traditional amends: "I lied to my partner repeatedly. I'm a liar. I betrayed trust. I'm untrustworthy."

Observer approach: "During that relationship, I engaged in deceptive behavior. What was I believing about myself that made lying feel necessary? What need was I trying to meet? What was I afraid would happen if I told the truth?"

See the difference? One reinforces a shameful identity. The other opens the door to genuine understanding.

2. Identify the Mirror

When conflicts happened, ask yourself:

• What specifically triggered my strongest reactions in this person?
• What quality in them bothered me most?
• If I'm brutally honest, do I have that same quality, even if it shows up differently?
• What was this person trying to tell me about myself that I wasn't ready to hear?

Example: Your friend called you out for being unreliable. Instead of just feeling guilty about flaking, ask: "Where in my life am I not showing up for myself? Where am I abandoning my own commitments, my own needs, my own truth?"

3. Find the Subconscious Belief

Every behavior has a belief underneath it. Every pattern has a root. When you were using and causing harm, you were operating from subconscious beliefs you likely didn't even know you held.

Common beliefs that drive destructive behavior:

• "I'm not worthy of genuine love"
• "People will abandon me if they see the real me"
• "I have to be perfect to be acceptable"
• "My needs don't matter"
• "I'm fundamentally broken"

The goal isn't to judge these beliefs. It's to see them clearly. You can't change what you can't see.

4. Compile the Learning

This is where the magic happens. Instead of creating a shame-list of wrongdoings, you're creating a knowledge-map of your internal landscape:

• "When I lied to my partner, I was believing that my authentic self wasn't lovable"
• "When I chose crystal over my friendships, I was believing that chemical connection was safer than emotional vulnerability"
• "When I stole from my family, I was believing that I had to take from them because they never gave enough"

This is the self-knowledge that sets you free. This is what breaks addictive patterns.

Not shame.

Not apologies.

Understanding.

5. Ask: "How Was This Person a Mirror?"

Every conflict is an opportunity.

Every person who triggered you was showing you something about yourself that needed healing. They weren't just obstacles or casualties of your addiction—they were teachers, whether they intended to be or not.

The person who called you selfish? Maybe they were mirroring your own inability to prioritize your genuine needs.

The partner who said you were emotionally unavailable? Maybe they were showing you how disconnected you were from your own feelings.

The friend who felt betrayed? Maybe they were reflecting your betrayal of your own values and integrity.

This doesn't mean they were right to treat you poorly if they did.  Nor did you have the right to treat them poorly. This isn't about excusing anyone's behavior. It's about using every interaction as information about your internal world.

About Those Apologies...

Here's the part that's going to piss off traditional recovery folks:

You don't owe anyone an apology unless you genuinely feel moved to offer one.

Let me be clear—if you feel a genuine pull to repair a relationship, if making amends feels like it would bring closure and healing for both parties, absolutely do it.

But do it from a place of inspiration, not obligation.

The traditional approach says you're incomplete without making amends. That you can't move forward until you've groveled enough.

I'm saying: Do your internal work.

Understand the beliefs that drove your behavior.

Heal those wounded places.

And then, from that healed space, if you feel called to reach out, do it. Not because you're trying to prove you're worthy now, but you feel inspired (in spirit).

Some people won't want to hear from you. Some relationships can't be repaired. Some apologies would cause more harm than good. And that's okay. Your healing doesn't depend on anyone else's forgiveness.

The Real Goal: Liberation Through Self-Knowledge

The traditional amends process is designed to make you a better citizen of the recovery community.

To show you've humbled yourself properly.

To demonstrate that you've accepted your place as a perpetually recovering person who must remain vigilant against their inherent character defects.

Fuck. That.

The goal isn't to become a well-behaved former addict.

The goal is liberation.

Freedom.

You don't have to identify as an addict for the rest of your life.

The kind of deep self-knowledge that makes relapse impossible because you understand yourself so completely that destructive patterns simply don't make sense anymore.

When you approach your past through the lens of mirror work:

• You stop reinforcing shame-based identities
• You extract wisdom from every experience
• You understand the subconscious programming that drove your behavior
• You develop genuine compassion for your past self
• You break the patterns at their root
• You become free

Your New Amends Process

This week, instead of making a list of people you've harmed, I want you to try something different:

Journal Prompts (Choose 2-3 that resonate):

1. What conflict or relationship wound still carries charge for me? What emotions arise when I think about it?

2. If I remove the story of who was right and who was wrong, what was the other person actually showing me about myself?

3. What subconscious belief was driving my behavior in that situation? What was I really afraid would happen?

4. Where in my current life am I still operating from that same belief? How is it showing up now, even without substances?

5. If I could see my past actions without judgment, purely as data about my internal state at the time, what would I learn?

Reflective Questions (Sit with these):

1. What quality in others triggers my strongest negative reactions? Do I have that quality too, perhaps expressed differently?

2. When I was at my worst, what was I believing about myself? About others? About what I deserved?

3. If every person in my life has been a mirror, what have they collectively been trying to show me?

4. What would change if I stopped seeing my past as evidence of my brokenness and started seeing it as a map to my healing?

5. Am I ready to release the identity of "terrible person who needs to make amends" and step into "evolving human extracting wisdom from experience"?

Actionable Exercise: The Mirror Analysis

Choose one relationship or conflict that still bothers you. Get out a journal and work through these steps:

Step 1: Describe what happened factually, without storytelling. Just the events.

Step 2: Identify what about the other person's behavior or response triggered you most.

Step 3: Ask yourself: Do I have this quality too? Even if it looks different in me?

Step 4: What was the subconscious belief driving my behavior? Complete this sentence: "In that situation, I was believing that I..."

Step 5: Where is that belief still operating in my life today?

Step 6: What does my healed self believe instead?

Step 7: From this new understanding, do I feel genuinely called to reach out? Or is this knowledge enough?

The Path Forward: Integrating Both Levels

Real transformation isn't either/or.

You can do traditional amends and go deeper into mirror work.

In fact, when you understand the beliefs that drove your behavior, your amends become more authentic. When you've done the internal work, your apologies come from genuine understanding rather than obligation.

Traditional amends helps you take responsibility for your actions.

Next-level amends help you understand why those actions happened in the first place and ensure the patterns don't repeat.

You're not finding your wrongdoings to underscore how terrible you are.

You're observing your actions without judgment, without making them mean something about your fundamental worth, to develop the deep understanding that will set you free from addictive patterns and elevate your entire existence.

Every person who triggered you was a gift. Every conflict was a classroom. Every moment you thought made you unworthy was actually showing you exactly what needed healing.

The traditional approach gives you accountability. This approach gives you liberation. Together, they give you transformation.

That's the real next level amends—not replacing the external work of repair, but adding the internal work of root-level healing. Living from that place so completely that your very existence becomes the ongoing amends, the healing, the transformation.

Your presence as your highest self is more powerful than a thousand words of apology.

Love, Dallas