Finding You: A Journey to Authentic Recovery with Shane Mayson
Introduction from Dallas
I met Shane Mayson at an interventionist conference in Provincetown, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I instantly fell in love with this human. There's something magnetic about people who've done deep personal work—they carry this authenticity that just draws you in. Shane has 22 years of recovery and more than a decade of professional experience as a recovery and life coach, and every bit of that wisdom shows up in how he moves through the world.
What struck me most about our conversation wasn't just Shane's expertise or credentials. It was his fundamental belief that recovery is about discovering who you truly are beneath the substances, the trauma, and the shame. His "Finding You" approach isn't about fixing what's broken—it's about excavating what's already there, waiting to be uncovered.
This episode is for anyone who's ever felt lost in their addiction, anyone who's wondered if there's actually a "real you" underneath all the chaos, and anyone who's ready to start digging. Whether you're in active recovery or still using but curious about change, Shane's story and methodology offer a roadmap back to yourself.
The Progressive Nature of Addiction
Shane's journey into addiction follows a pattern many of us recognize. At 13, growing up as a gay kid in 1980s Charleston, South Carolina with a Pentecostal preacher father, Shane carried profound shame about his identity. The first time he used a substance, he experienced what felt like relief—a moment of breathing freely, of the shame lifting just enough to exist.
This initial "solution" is what makes addiction so insidious. It doesn't demand everything immediately. As Shane describes it, drugs don't ask for much in the beginning. They just slowly ask for a little here and there until you're living on the streets. The progression from that first drink at 13 to discovering cocaine, then methamphetamine in late 1980s New York City, illustrates how substances evolve from seeming solution to consuming problem.
When Shane discovered meth (then called "crank"), he found it cost-effective, long-lasting, and powerful. It became the only drug he wanted. He had a solid five-year run before crashing in 1994—homeless, evicted, weighing barely 100 pounds. This trajectory reminds us that addiction is progressive by nature, and what starts as relief inevitably demands everything we have.
Reflective Question: Looking at your own substance use history, can you identify the moment when what seemed like a solution began asking for more than you wanted to give? What changed?
The Spiritual Void and Seeking Connection
A powerful thread throughout Shane's story is the spiritual dimension of addiction and recovery. Growing up with messages that he was inherently "bad" because of his sexuality, Shane internalized a belief that God didn't love him. This spiritual wound—this sense of being fundamentally unacceptable—created a void that substances temporarily filled.
Shane's relationship with spirituality has evolved dramatically through recovery. He describes moving from his father's Pentecostal teachings to exploring Buddhism, Christianity, and ultimately understanding that spirituality is about connection—to ourselves, to others, and to something larger than ourselves. This isn't about religious doctrine; it's about finding meaning and belonging.
For many in the LGBTQ+ community, religious trauma compounds addiction. We're often told that our very existence is sinful, that we're separated from divine love because of who we are. Recovery requires unlearning these toxic messages and discovering or creating spiritual frameworks that actually nurture us rather than shame us.
Journal Prompt: What messages about worthiness, spirituality, or belonging did you internalize growing up? How have substances served as a substitute for genuine spiritual connection or community? What might authentic spiritual exploration look like for you?
The "Finding You" Methodology: Discovery Over Repair
Shane's coaching philosophy centers on a radical premise: you're not broken and in need of fixing. Instead, recovery is an archeological dig to uncover who you've always been beneath the addiction, trauma, and survival mechanisms.
The "Finding You" approach operates on five core principles that guide sustainable recovery:
Community - Human beings are wired for connection. Isolation perpetuates addiction, while authentic relationships support healing. This means actively seeking out people, groups, and spaces where you can show up authentically.
Service - Getting outside yourself and contributing to something beyond your own immediate needs creates purpose and perspective. Service reminds us that we matter and that our presence makes a difference.
Connection to Something Greater - Whether you call it God, Universe, Nature, or Higher Power, cultivating a sense of being part of something larger than yourself provides meaning and reduces the existential isolation that fuels substance use.
Structure and Discipline - Recovery requires consistent practices and routines. This isn't about rigidity; it's about creating containers that support your wellbeing when motivation wanes.
Action - Thinking about change isn't enough. Recovery demands behavioral shifts—making different choices even when (especially when) those choices feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar.
What makes this approach powerful is that it's collaborative rather than prescriptive. Shane doesn't hand clients a one-size-fits-all recovery plan. Instead, he asks questions that help clients discover their own answers: How do you want to find community? What feels bigger than you? Where do you feel connected to nature or purpose?
Action Exercise: For each of the five principles (Community, Service, Connection to Something Greater, Structure, Action), write down one specific, concrete way you could explore or strengthen that area this week. Choose the one that feels most accessible and commit to trying it.
The Difference Between Life Coaching and Recovery Coaching
Shane draws an important distinction that helps clarify when someone needs specialized recovery support versus general life coaching. Using the metaphor of a car, he explains: if you come to a life coach saying your drive isn't smooth, they might explore all aspects—Are the tires properly inflated? Is the alignment off? Are you stressed about where you're going?
But in recovery coaching, the primary issue is clear: the engine is broken. Your addiction is the central problem affecting everything else. While a recovery coach still works with you holistically, the focus is squarely on addressing the substance use because nothing else can function properly until that's handled.
This distinction matters because it normalizes the need for specialized support. There's no shame in needing a recovery coach any more than there's shame in needing a cardiologist when you have heart disease. The issue isn't that you're fundamentally flawed—it's that you have a specific, serious problem that requires targeted intervention.
Recovery coaching also differs in its approach to advice. While pure life coaching typically avoids direct guidance, recovery coaching recognizes that some directives are non-negotiable for survival. As Shane puts it: "You need to change your phone number. This is not an option." Leaving contacts for dealers and using buddies in your phone is like handing out keys to your house—you're inviting the problem directly into your life.
Reflective Question: Have you been trying to address your substance use as just one issue among many, or have you acknowledged it as the central problem requiring focused attention? What changes when you name addiction as the primary issue?
Identity, Shame, and the Gay Experience
Shane's story illuminates how growing up gay, particularly in conservative religious environments, creates layers of shame that become fertile ground for addiction. Knowing he was "a little gay kid" in 1980s Charleston while having a Pentecostal preacher father meant carrying the message that his core identity was fundamentally wrong.
This specific flavor of shame—internalized homophobia combined with religious trauma—isn't just one factor among many in addiction. For many gay men, substances become the only way to exist in our own skin, to have sex without crippling self-consciousness, to access community spaces where we feel we belong.
Shane emphasizes that these nuances aren't trainable. You can't read about the gay experience in a textbook and truly understand what it's like to grow up believing you're an abomination, to navigate dating and sexuality with profound shame, or to lose dozens of friends to AIDS while being told it's divine punishment. Peer-to-peer support from others who've lived this specific experience offers something clinical training alone cannot provide.
Recovery for gay men often means untangling sex, drugs, identity, and shame in ways that are uniquely complex. Shane's journey from shame-filled kid to someone who can help others navigate these same waters demonstrates that healing these deep identity wounds is possible—and essential for lasting recovery.
Journal Prompt: How has your sexual orientation or gender identity intersected with your substance use? What messages about your identity became internalized as shame? How might recovery involve reclaiming aspects of yourself that you've learned to hide or hate?
The Myth of "Arrival" and Continuous Growth
One of the most liberating aspects of Shane's philosophy is his rejection of the idea that you ever "arrive" at a final destination in recovery. Even with 22 years sober, Shane continues working with a sponsor, seeing his own coach, and actively pursuing personal growth.
Shane describes this beautifully: "Just because I got sober doesn't mean all of a sudden everything is hunky-dory. But it does mean that I have the ability to do that work and be able to become even more." Each time he becomes the person he thought he wanted to be, he discovers there's room to grow further, to be better, to be more.
This perspective transforms recovery from a grim exercise in damage control into an exciting journey of continuous self-discovery. It's not about reaching a point where all your problems are solved and you're "fixed." It's about cultivating curiosity about who you could become next.
Shane's career trajectory illustrates this principle. Ten years ago, as a restaurateur, he would have laughed at the suggestion he'd be making his living as a recovery coach. His path kept unfolding, revealing new possibilities he couldn't have imagined. This openness to evolution—this willingness to let go of fixed ideas about who you are—is itself a recovery skill.
Action Exercise: Identify one area of growth you've been avoiding because it feels too hard, too late, or "not who you are." This week, take one small exploratory step toward that growth—read an article, have a conversation, try something new. Practice being curious about who you might become.
Practical Recovery Strategies: The Witness Protection Program
Shane and Dallas discuss what Dallas calls "going into the witness protection program" in early recovery—the necessity of disappearing from your using life completely. This isn't optional or negotiable; it's survival.
Changing your phone number removes constant access points to dealers and using buddies. Deleting contacts, blocking numbers, and creating new communication channels might feel extreme, but they're essential boundaries when your willpower and self-control are depleted in early recovery.
This extends beyond phones to social media, email addresses, geographic locations, and social circles. Anything that connects you to your using life is a doorway back into active addiction. The people, places, and things must change if you're serious about changing your relationship with substances.
The metaphor of the witness protection program captures the totality required. You're not making minor adjustments—you're creating an entirely new life infrastructure that doesn't include easy access to your past patterns.
Reflective Question: What connections to your using life are you still maintaining? What specific fears come up when you consider cutting these ties completely? What might become possible if you truly disappeared from that world?
The Role of Peer Support Versus Clinical Treatment
Shane maintains both a therapist who isn't in recovery and a 12-step sponsor—each serving distinct but valuable functions in his ongoing wellness. His therapist provides professional clinical expertise, while his sponsor offers peer wisdom born from lived experience with addiction.
This dual approach recognizes that different types of support serve different needs. Clinical training provides important frameworks and techniques, but there's something irreplaceable about working with someone who's walked the exact path you're on. They understand the specific rationalizations, the particular challenges, the unique texture of addiction in ways that can't be learned academically.
Shane's 12 years volunteering with Whitman Walker Health's addiction services demonstrates this commitment to peer support. LGBTQ+ people working with other LGBTQ+ people in recovery creates safety, understanding, and relatability that makes profound healing possible.
For those considering recovery, this suggests the value of building a multifaceted support system. You might benefit from therapy, 12-step meetings, a recovery coach, group coaching, and informal peer connections. Each offers something different, and together they create a robust container for transformation.
Action Exercise: Map your current support system. Who do you have for clinical support? For peer support? For LGBTQ+-specific support? Identify one gap in your support network and take a concrete step this week to address it—research therapists, attend a meeting, reach out to a recovery coach.
The Engine, Not the Tires: Making Addiction the Priority
Shane's car metaphor deserves deeper exploration because it challenges a common mistake people make in early recovery: trying to fix everything simultaneously while treating the addiction as just one issue among many.
If your car's engine is broken, it doesn't matter if the tires are perfectly inflated or the paint job is flawless. The car won't run. Similarly, if you're in active addiction, addressing your relationship problems, career dissatisfaction, or family conflicts won't create lasting change because the core issue—the broken engine—remains untouched.
This doesn't mean ignoring other areas of life entirely. But it means acknowledging that sustainable progress in relationships, work, health, and purpose requires addressing the addiction first. Everything else builds from that foundation.
For many people, this prioritization feels uncomfortable because it requires acknowledging the severity and centrality of the substance use problem. It's easier to believe you just need to manage stress better or find the right partner or get a different job. But until the addiction is addressed directly and intensively, these other improvements remain temporary band-aids on a much deeper wound.
Journal Prompt: Have you been treating your substance use as just one problem among many, or as the central issue affecting everything else? What would it mean to make recovery your primary focus for the next 90 days? What fears or resistances come up when you consider this?
Recovery as an Unfolding Path, Not a Single Moment
Shane's recovery began when he weighed 100 pounds, homeless, sleeping on a friend's couch, and attended his first 12-step meeting where he promptly fell asleep. That undramatic beginning—no lightning bolt conversion, no sudden clarity—is actually more typical than the dramatic transformation stories we often hear.
Recovery rarely starts with certainty or enthusiasm. It usually begins with exhaustion, desperation, and just enough willingness to try something different. Shane went to another meeting the next night, and then another. The accumulation of those small choices, those incremental steps, created the foundation for 22 years of continuous growth.
This challenges the all-or-nothing thinking that keeps many people stuck. You don't need to have everything figured out, be 100% committed, or believe it will work. You just need to take the next right action, and then the next one after that.
Shane's evolution from sleeping through his first meeting to becoming a respected interventionist and recovery coach spanning over two decades demonstrates that recovery is about trajectory, not perfection. Some days the progress is visible; many days it's invisible. But the cumulative effect of choosing recovery one day at a time creates a life unimaginable from where you started.
Reflective Question: What would it look like to measure your progress in trajectory rather than perfection? Can you identify small forward movements you've made, even if you haven't achieved full abstinence or perfect recovery yet?
Closing Thoughts from Dallas
Shane's approach to recovery coaching resonates so deeply with me because it honors the complexity of who we are while providing clear direction when we need it. His "Finding You" methodology isn't about imposing someone else's vision of recovery on you—it's about creating the conditions for you to discover what recovery means in your life.
What I want you to take from this conversation is that recovery is possible, and it's about so much more than just stopping substance use. It's about excavating who you've always been beneath the shame, the trauma, and the survival mechanisms. It's about building a life so compelling that substances lose their appeal. It's about continuous growth and evolution rather than arriving at some fixed endpoint.
Whether you're ready to commit to complete abstinence or you're just starting to question your relationship with substances, the principles Shane shares apply. Start asking yourself: Who am I beneath all of this? What kind of community do I want? How can I be of service? What feels bigger than me? What actions, even small ones, could I take today toward the life I actually want?
Recovery isn't built in a day, but it is built one day at a time. Shane's 22-year journey started with him falling asleep in a meeting. Your journey begins wherever you are right now, with whatever willingness you can muster. That's enough to start.
If Shane's approach resonates with you and you're looking for support, remember that there are people who understand exactly what you're going through—people who've walked this path and now dedicate their lives to helping others find their way. You don't have to figure this out alone.
Keep showing up. Keep digging. Keep finding you.
Love you,
Dallas đź’š
Additional Reflective Questions
- Shane talks about recovery as an "internal journey" of becoming curious about what you could be next. What aspects of yourself have you lost touch with during active addiction that you'd like to rediscover?
- How do you currently define spirituality or connection to something greater than yourself? If traditional religious frameworks don't work for you, what alternatives might you explore?
Additional Journal Prompts
- Shane describes the first time he used substances as taking a breath and finding "the solution." What needs were substances meeting for you? What might meet those needs in healthier ways?
- Write about a moment when you recognized your substance use had progressed beyond what you intended. What did you notice? What made you aware something had shifted?
Additional Action Exercises
- Create a specific "witness protection program" plan for yourself. List every phone contact, social media connection, location, and habit that connects you to active use. Identify which you're willing to eliminate this week.
- Research three different types of support resources available in your area or online: a 12-step meeting, a therapist who specializes in addiction, and a recovery coach. Visit or contact at least one this week.
Want more support on your recovery journey?
Visit www.drdallasbragg.com to explore one-on-one coaching, group coaching opportunities, and additional resources designed specifically for gay men recovering from chemsex addiction. Every week I create comprehensive study guides like this one to support your learning and growth. Subscribe to receive them directly to your inbox along with weekly insights, tools, and encouragement.
Recovery is possible. You deserve support. Let's do this work together.
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