Riding the Wave of Emotion.
It happened again. The dreaded meet-n-ditch.
Someone met me for coffee, we discussed collaborative initiatives, then not long after...radio silence. My texts were read but unanswered.
For days I could only focus on one question: "What did I do?" I found myself sitting at my laptop, staring out the window and running through endless scenarios.
Was it something I said?
Was I too forward or pushy?
Was it something someone said about me?
I stared at my phone, scrolling through the text conversations looking for any sign that I had been offensive. I checked their social media in hopes they were perhaps away on vacation or God forbid something morbid had occurred.
"What did I do?"
For many people, this type of instance wouldn't carry the same meaning it did for me. After all, people come and go. If they wanted to be a part of my life, they would respond. Check, done.
For me, someone with an exclusion schema (see my newsletter entitled When the Why Matters to find out more about this), it was a knife to the heart.
A few days into this spiral, I woke up wondering What did I do? But this time, I sat up in bed, now angry as hell. I didn't do ANYthing! I was pissed. So angry I spent my entire morning shower rehearsing what I was going to say to this person.
And, finally, I sat down to pray. Which would have circumvented this issue days prior!
When I pray, I bring up the situation at hand in my mind's eyes. Then, sit in meditation for as long as I can. The mind eventually clears and switches to receiving mode. After some time, I heard a faint whisper in my ear: 'What did I do?'. I saw myself at seven years old and realized that this was the first time I remembered asking this question.
I was in the back of my dad's pickup truck along with my brother. We were on our way to the campground for a weekend trip that he had promised for several weeks. A trip for 'just the three of us'. On the way to the campground, he picked up his brother who carried a case of beer in each hand. As his brother mounted in the front of the truck, my dad looked back at me with a scowl.
What did I do?
What is wrong with me?
Why doesn't he want to spend time with me?
A seed of hurt was planted that day. A seed that germinated into anger. Anger that I shoved down deep.
That's when I realized that this person who 'ghosted' me had activated emotion that was tied to a traumatic experience. Trauma is essentially unprocessed emotion. The feeling I had in the back of that truck was the same feeling that rose when I noticed my texts being read and ignored.
The nervous system doesn't file information in linear time but by similar emotions. So, my body thought that I was still that seven-year-old boy. This is how trauma works.
I hesitate to include this video here because I get deeply vulnerable. However, in the video, I go into a little more detail about processing this anger and the tool I used.
So, what now?
Zoom Out.
Taking a third-person perspective of my life, I noticed how anger had been skewing my perspective. My worldview was filtered through this murky, aged emotional bundle. The longer it was sitting inside me, the funkier it became.
I made a subtle shift in the form of surrender. I told God I was ready to FEEL better. Not ‘feel better’, the superficial response we give someone who is sick. Not ‘feel better’, the natural reaction we have toward discomfort that distracts and bypasses the work.
I wanted to learn how to FEEL my emotions more effectively.
To allow them to run their course. To let myself mourn for the parts of my life that weren’t fair to me. The parts of my life when I was victimized.
Accept the Poles.
You see, every word exists on a pole (the law of polarity), one side being the opposite of the other but only varying in degrees. I realized, using this law, that being a Victim sometimes is healing and necessary.
One side of the Victim pole is the perspective that everything and everyone is out to get me. The other side of the pole is the acceptance that there have been unjust acts thrust upon my life. (That said, keep in mind that no matter the spectrum of victimization, your soul asked for all of it to stimulate your healing.)
Feel the Feels.
I leaned into victimization and began lamenting. I made a list of all the people and situations that caused/cause me anger. The list grew and grew. Suddenly I became aware of just how much time in a 24-hour period I spent being angry.
I’ve been taught from childhood not to show my emotions: “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”.
I’ve been taught by the spiritual community to focus on happy thoughts and gratitude when I’m feeling negative emotions.
I’ve been taught through human conditioning that being a victim is a cop-out, a character flaw, a weakness.
I let go of all this nonsense and tuned into my body.
I allowed my angry thoughts to run their course instead of interfering with the process. I allowed my train of thought about someone to come to total fruition. I allowed myself to fully feel the entirety of my emotions.
This. Was. Hard.
Ride the Wave.
Allowing an emotion to run its full course is like allowing a wave to crest and recede. I might have been in a restaurant, in my car, on my patio, or in the grocery store. Wherever I was, when I felt anger rising, I stopped and surrendered.
It began at my feet. Slowly, as if water was rising, the emotion engulfed my body; abdomen, chest, throat. I was shaking viscerally and inevitably would cry as it crested at the top of my head. Then it would quietly recede down my body. I would be left breathing heavily, drained, but FREE.
An emotion fully expressed evaporates. The space that is left allows for deeper healing, understanding, and nervous system regulation.
Now that this sludge of emotion has started to move out, my gratitude practice makes a difference. I feel appreciation in a more profound way because it isn’t filtered through anger.
I am unburdening myself so that my life doesn’t feel weighted, heavy, slothful. I am walking forward with ease.
So, yes, I was a victim. I’m allowing that label to characterize a portion of my life. But, with the understanding that the word has various meanings.
And, with the understanding that to be a victor, you must experience the contrast of victim. Everything has a divine purpose.
If you know someone who might benefit from this share, please let me know and I'll add them to the mailing list.
💚 Dallas