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Who Defines Sobriety?

Who Defines Sobriety?

"Oh, I thought you were sober."

One of the many judgemental remarks I've received from others during my recovery journey.

Have you ever heard that? Or even said it?

What is sober? Who defines it? I want to know.

I want to know who is responsible for upholding the rules of sobriety.

I drink alcohol in certain situations.
I participate in an annual ayahuasca ceremony.
I use (and facilitate for others) psilocybin therapy.

Does this mean I'm a fraud? Am I "unsober"?

Who can I ask? The Big Book? My local Narcotics Anonymous group? Where can I go to find out if I'm sober or not?

I'm being facetious, of course.

Addiction recovery is about self-empowerment. It is about freedom from the bonds of anything - or anyone - outside of ourselves.

YOU decide what works. YOU make the rules.

By connecting with your authentic self and using discernment to create your own recovery path, you are rising up to take control.

No dependence on a book someone else wrote.
No dependence on someone else's experience.
No dependence on meetings to feel aligned.
No dependence on the approval of outside groups.

Haven't you been a slave to addictive patterns long enough? Why trade the shackles and hand the key to someone who doesn't understand your specific experience?

I'm happy to share this week's podcast with you, where I interview another queer coach who shares this point of view. We are at the cusp of a revolution. A change in philosophy. Freedom for those in recovery.

Why don't you join?

If you'd like to work 1:1 with me to take a deeper dive into these priniciples and use them to your own life, apply for my Recovery Alchemy Coaching program. In six months you could have manifested the (sober) life of your dreams. I'm taking ONE client per month. Apply Here.

Listen to the podcast here:

Watch the podcast here:

Podcast Study Guide

Breaking Free from Traditional Recovery Models

Mick Resendez's interview challenges conventional recovery approaches by emphasizing that one standardized path cannot serve everyone effectively.

His perspective encourages individuals to find their own way to recovery, suggesting that traditional programs like AA, while valuable for some, shouldn't be considered the only viable path to sobriety.

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The most effective recovery plan is one you've authored based on your individual needs. Take some time to discover other sobriety routes such as SMART, Refuge, and Dharma Recoveries. What works for you? What doesn't?

The Power of Shame-Free Recovery

A central theme throughout the interview is the damaging role of shame in recovery.

Mick emphasizes how traditional recovery models can sometimes perpetuate shame, particularly around relapse, and advocates for a more compassionate approach that acknowledges progress rather than perfection.

His perspective encourages viewing recovery as a growth journey rather than a moral character test.

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Let's get rid of taking a "moral inventory' during our recovery journey. Addiction is not a moral failing. You aren't a "defect" either. Set an intention right now to distance yourself from any person or text that produces self-shame or guilt.

Navigating Social Spaces in Sobriety

The interview offers valuable insights into maintaining an active social life while sober.

Mick's approach to "reclaiming" spaces traditionally associated with drinking demonstrates that isolation isn't necessary for recovery.

His methods for handling social situations, from early arrival times to clear communication with friends, provide practical strategies for maintaining sobriety without sacrificing social connections.

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Obviously, this approach isn't recommended for crystal meth addicts. You wouldn't want to try and parTy and remain abstinent from meth. However, you CAN reclaim social circles and areas of your city/town to overwrite memories. For instance, attending a rave with friends but going home afterward instead of finding a parTy.

Communication and Boundaries as Recovery Tools

Throughout the discussion, Mick emphasizes the crucial role of clear communication and strong boundaries in successful recovery.

His concept of "bookending" - checking in before and after challenging situations - and the importance of having explicit conversations with friends about support needs provides a framework for building a strong recovery support system.

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If you are having difficulties with continued relapse, one safety measure to think about is sharing your struggles with as many friends and family members as possible. Be VERY CLEAR about how the Tina scene works, what to look for in your behaviors, and allow them to be intrusive of your privacy.

Redefining Recovery Success

Perhaps most revolutionary is Mick's approach to measuring success in recovery.

He challenges the traditional counting of consecutive sober days, arguing that previous sober time is never "lost" even after a relapse.

This perspective offers a more nuanced and compassionate view of recovery progress, acknowledging that growth isn't linear and that all forward movement counts.

It warms my heart to see more people like Mick gaining presence in the recovery world. He represents the freedom and shift we need for our queer family to be set free.

What was your takeaway from the podcast? I'd love to know- reply to this email and let me know!

Be sure to use the Reflective Questions, Journal Prompts, and Actionable Excercises below throughout the next week.

Love, Dallas 💚

P.S. If you'd like to work 1:1 with me to take a deeper dive into these priniciples and use them to your own life, apply for my Recovery Alchemy Coaching program. In six months you could have manifested the (sober) life of your dreams. I'm taking ONE client per month. Apply Here.

Reflective Questions

  1. How has shame or guilt influenced your approach to recovery? What would it feel like to release those emotions?
  2. What social situations trigger you most, and why do you think these particular situations are challenging?
  3. Who are the people in your life that could become strong allies in your recovery journey? What support would you need from them?
  4. How has your relationship with certain spaces or activities changed throughout your addiction and recovery journey?
  5. What beliefs or "rules" about recovery have you accepted that might not serve your personal journey?

Journal Prompts

  1. Write about a time when you felt shame about your addiction. Now rewrite that same story from a place of self-compassion and understanding.
  2. Describe your ideal support system. What would it look like? How would these people respond to your needs in recovery?
  3. List three activities or places that you associate with your addiction. How might you "reclaim" these in a healthy way during recovery?
  4. Write a letter to yourself at the beginning of your recovery journey. What wisdom would you share?
  5. Reflect on your definition of success in recovery. How has this definition evolved over time?

Action Exercises

  1. Communication Practice:
    • Choose one person you need to set boundaries with
    • Write out your boundary statement
    • Practice saying it aloud 3 times
    • Role-play the conversation with a trusted friend
    • Schedule the actual conversation
  2. Social Situation Testing:
    • Select a "safe" venue that might typically trigger you
    • Plan a short visit during off-peak hours
    • Bring a supportive friend
    • Set a specific time limit
    • Have an exit strategy ready
  3. Support Network Building:
    • Make a list of 3-5 people you trust
    • Draft a simple text explaining what you need from them
    • Share your boundaries and triggers
    • Create a code word or signal for when you need help
    • Schedule regular check-ins
  4. Wellness Toolkit Creation:
    • List 5 healthy coping mechanisms
    • Identify 3 safe spaces you can go when triggered
    • Write down 2 people you can call anytime
    • Create a daily self-care routine
    • Document what works and what doesn't
  5. Progress Tracking System:
    • Start a recovery journal
    • Document daily wins, no matter how small
    • Note challenging situations and how you handled them
    • Track your emotional state and triggers
    • Celebrate all forms of progress, not just days sober