No Such Thing as Self-Sabotage.

"We'd like to offer you $120,000 in annual salary. Let us know what you think!"

My phone dropped out of my hand and onto my lap. My jaw was stuck open. I'm not sure if I took a breath for a few minutes.

Was this really happening? Was it time for me to stop struggling financially and live the life of my dreams?

My rise into the Executive position at Charlotte School of Law felt like my much-deserved "level up" in life.

But it wasn't long until I felt like an imposter.

I was at the table with seasoned professionals feeling like a dumb hick.

And worst of all, I had NO idea what I was doing.

Instead of leaning in and stepping up to the challenge, I found crystal meth and burned the entire opportunity to the ground.

Was this a case of self-sabotage?

That's the narrative I created around it for years. And that's what most people might label it as.

However, what if I told you there is no such thing as self-sabotage?

In my opinion, we hold ourselves back from recovery and realizing our full human potential when we label experiences as the work of our inner saboteur.

Let me explain...

The Truth Behind "Self-Sabotaging" Behaviors

When we experience what feels like self-sabotage, we're actually witnessing different parts of ourselves disagreeing about the best path forward.

Each part, even those that seem to be working against our conscious desires, is actually trying to protect us based on past experiences and learned survival strategies.

Let's explore some common examples:

Procrastination

When you repeatedly put off important tasks, you might berate yourself for being "lazy" or "self-sabotaging."

However, the part of you that procrastinates is likely trying to protect you from potential discomfort, failure, or overwhelm.

Perhaps it learned early on that perfect execution was the only way to receive approval, so it delays action until conditions feel "perfect" - an attempt to keep you safe from criticism or rejection.

Are you blaming self-sabotage for your continued relapse? Let's work together to change that. I'm accepting clients into my 1:1 Coaching Program called Recovery Alchemy. In six months, I promise your life will look much differently than it does today. Click Here to Apply.

Relationship Patterns

Do you find yourself pushing away potential partners just when things start getting serious?

Rather than self-sabotage, this could be a protective response from a part that experienced profound loss or abandonment.

This part might believe that ending relationships early is safer than risking deep attachment and subsequent heartbreak.

Addictive Behaviors

When you struggle to break free from addictive patterns despite knowing they're harmful, it's easy to feel like you're working against yourself.

However, these behaviors often develop as coping mechanisms - ways to manage overwhelming emotions or experiences.

The part of you maintaining these patterns might be trying to protect you from facing painful feelings or memories it believes you're not equipped to handle.

Understanding Your Protectors: A Practice Exercise

Duration: 30-45 minutes Materials needed: Journal, quiet space, timer (optional)

Preparation

1. Choose a behavior you typically label as "self-sabotage"
2. Find a quiet, comfortable space where you won't be interrupted
3. Have your journal ready to record insights
4. Set a gentle timer if you'd like to track time

The Practice

1. Begin with grounding (5 minutes):
   • Take several deep breaths
   • Feel your body's connection to your chair or floor
   • Notice any tensions and consciously relax them
2. Connect with your protective part (10 minutes):
   • Close your eyes and bring to mind the behavior you're exploring
   • Ask to connect with the part of you responsible for this behavior
   • Notice what appears in your mind's eye - it might be an image, sensation, or feeling
   • Observe without judgment: What does this part look like? How old is it? Where do you feel it in your body?
3. Have a compassionate conversation (15-20 minutes): Essential questions to explore:
   • "What are you trying to protect me from?"
   • "When did you first need to take on this protective role?"
   • "What would happen if you stopped this behavior?"
   • "What do you need to feel safe?"
   • "How can I help you trust that we're safe now?"
4. Integration (5-10 minutes):
   • Thank this part for sharing and for its protection
   • Write down any insights, messages, or commitments
   • Consider what support this part needs moving forward

The Path to Integration

Remember that true change comes not from forcing or fighting these protective parts, but from understanding and meeting their needs. Here are key principles for working with your protectors:

1. Approach with Curiosity: Rather than trying to eliminate or change the behavior immediately, get curious about its purpose and origin.
2. Practice Compassion: These parts developed their strategies for good reasons, even if those strategies no longer serve you.
3. Look for the Wisdom: Each protective part holds valuable information about your needs and boundaries.
4. Move Slowly: Building trust with these parts takes time. Rush the process, and they're likely to dig in deeper.

Moving Forward

Integration isn't about eliminating parts of yourself or forcing change.

It's about creating internal harmony by understanding and meeting the needs of all parts of your being.

Every aspect of you is ultimately working toward your wellbeing, even if their methods seem counterproductive at first glance.

As you continue this work, remember:

• Progress isn't linear
• All parts deserve to be heard
• Safety needs to be established before change can occur
• Support from a qualified therapist can be invaluable in this process

Your "saboteur" is actually a protector in disguise. When we approach these parts with curiosity and compassion, we open the door to profound healing and transformation.

I love you and honored to bring you this word. I'm praying it reaches exactly who needs to read it.

Dallas 💚

P.S. Are you blaming self-sabotage for your continued relapse? Let's work together to change that. I'm accepting clients into my 1:1 Coaching Program called Recovery Alchemy. In six months, I promise your life will look much differently than it does today. Click Here to Apply.

Journal Prompts for Deeper Understanding

1. Think of a recent situation where you felt you "sabotaged" yourself. Explore:
   • What was the protective intention behind this behavior?
   • What past experiences might have shaped this response?
   • What was this part trying to tell you about your needs or boundaries?
2. If the part of you that appears to be "sabotaging" could speak freely, without judgment:
   • What would it say about its fears and motivations?
   • What would it want you to understand about its role in your life?
   • What appreciation or acknowledgment might it need?
3. Reflect on a pattern in your life that you've been trying to change:
   • How might this pattern have once served as a survival strategy?
   • What would this part of you need to feel safe enough to try a different approach?
   • What resources or support could help this part trust in new possibilities?
4. Write a letter to a part of yourself that you've been fighting against:
   • Begin with "I understand you're trying to protect me by..."
   • Share what you've learned about its protective role
   • Express gratitude for its dedication to keeping you safe
   • Explore possibilities for working together differently
5. Consider a goal you're working toward:
   • What parts of you support this goal, and why?
   • What parts have concerns or resistance, and what are they protecting?
   • How might you honor both the desire for growth and the need for safety?