Devil and Angel: A Win/Win.
Phone in the right hand, cigarette in the left. Right thumb scrolling the Grindr grid, left thumb flicking ashes. Left leg propped on banister, right leg crossed and jostling with anticipation.
I had assumed the position on my back patio.
The sun was setting, the kids were with their mom, and I was standing at the precipice of a four-day weekend. Tina beckoned me with euphoric recall.
It had been several weeks since I last danced with her, so cravings were high.
Grindr Ding
I leaned in, grabbing the phone with both hands, cigarette shifting between pointer and middle so I could adequately respond to the message.
He has asked the golden question, “U parTy?”
As the texting ensued, deja vu hit. There was something all too familiar about this experience. The conversation on the app was a carbon copy of the 1,486 others before him and so was the conversation in my head.
I was hearing the dialogue of two voices.
🗣️ One justifying the pursuit of this party: great sex, kinky fun, orgies, etc.
🗣️ One reminding me of the come-down, the delusion that this experience would be different than the last, and the spiral of guilt that would follow.
That’s when I had a big ole’ epiphany. One impactful enough for me to put down the phone, lean forward, and extinguish the cigarette.
If I’m able to objectively observe both individual voices, then who is the observer?
That’s when I accepted that recovery (and life itself) is a spiritual process. The observer is my soul. The true me. The one underneath life’s conditioning. The perfect light before my trauma and limiting beliefs; before my Tina addiction.
So, the journey of recovery became one of restoration and wholeness. One of reclaiming my soul self.
Any addict can relate to the Devil vs. Angel on our shoulders. The official name for this process is Decisional Balance, a tool used in drug treatment and coaching. The dynamic of which voice to follow is the crux of the sobriety journey.
Whoever is allowed to “win” reflects the version of ourselves we choose to embody in that particular moment; past or future.
Does this sound familiar to you? If you're feeling stuck and would like some help, you may want to enroll in my FREE course to end relapse:
Where I see many people delaying the recovery process is when they assign value to the voices;
Devil = bad and Angel = good.
We become attached to the shame of listening to the bad voice, which ultimately leads to relapse. Relapse, then, is treated as a moral failure and sends us down a spiral of self-defeat.
If the devil is given dominion of choice, that does not mean we have failed or are 'bad'.
Reclaiming our soul requires that we develop sovereignty over our reality. We have the option to assign life experience whatever meaning we want. We can empower ourselves by asking “What is the deeper learning from this relapse experience?” or we can disempower ourselves by asking questions like “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this? Why aren’t the 12 steps working for me?”
The soul, and the universe, are both objective and conspire on our behalf. It doesn’t understand what relapse is or that it carries a negative value by most of the recovery community. I believe if we chose the relapse experience, it was necessary. There was something to learn and notice.
The meaning we assign relapse dictates whether or not we take notice of the learning or are blinded by shame, guilt, and self-hate. If we place a negative connotation on choosing the devil ~ or relapse ~ then it becomes negative. At its core, though, relapse is simply an experience.
The journey of restoration and wholeness is about accepting all of our parts. The devil and the angel are both aspects of you. They are fractals of your soul self. (For more on this, research Internal Family Systems (IFS).
Viewing the dynamic between devil and angel as a 'battle' gives it the connotation of conflict. This places your internal landscape and recovery journey on a battlefield. Your life then becomes defensive, always on guard and awaiting an attack by our “disease”.
You are stunting your recovery development when you make a part of yourself 'bad'. This is self-rejection. Most of us became addicts because of external rejection, so why are we doubling down on that feeling?
Here’s my recommended reframe: Change the word “conflict” to “strife”.
“The two voices in my head are in strife.”
Why is this important? Strife is derived from the word strive. When two people are in strife, they are striving for an outcome instead of battling for victory.
The devil is striving to protect you from feeling the pain of whatever trauma you’ve numbed through addictive behaviors. It knows that using Tina has been the best antidote for that so far.
The angel is striving to protect you from feeling the guilt of relapse and open the door to healing the trauma. It has heard your intention to be sober and is nudging you in that direction.
Neither is wrong or bad or negative.
They are both striving for YOUR benefit and protection. Everything in life is happening for your highest good. Approach the dichotomy as a neutral experience and then respond to your decision through a positive lens. Seeing only the positive and anchoring into that creates upward momentum for your recovery.
The meaning is yours to create. Reality is yours to create.
This collapses any story of shame or guilt around who you allow to win in this moment. And who you are as a person. Because you aren't wrong and you aren’t right.
You are a soul having a human experience.
Love, Dallas 💚
Have you rated and reviewed The AfterMeth Podcast yet? The more five-star ratings and reviews we receive, the more the algorithm will put the podcast in front of those who need to hear it.
What are you waiting for? Do it now!
