Change the Meaning, Change Your Life.

I've been struggling with the decision to move out of Charlotte, NC. While I've made some life-long friends here, I know it is time to leave.

The angst has revolved around displacing my son. Yes, he is 20 years old. But...

Throughout my experience with active addiction, I displaced him from his home on three different occasions. The damage left in the aftermath of my poor decision-making was obvious. Early on in my sobriety, he developed severe separation anxiety.

At the same time, I want to move on with my life. And the opportunity to scale back my expenses to focus on my business feels aligned.

I have agonized over this decision for weeks. I've been sorting through guilt, shame, and to be honest the pain of separating from him. Over the past six years of my sobriety journey, we've become extremely close.

After some deep prayer and meditation, my decision was clear.

I finally sat down to 'deliver the news' to him that I would be moving. I was trembling, crying (I am now as I type this), and nervous as hell. He looks at me and says "Dad, we've spent a lot of time together and maybe it is time I started my own life."

I just stared at him. Not what I expected.

More importantly, it became clear that the meaning I had assigned to this situation was misplaced. In my head, I created unnecessary drama. I allowed the conditioning of my past (guilt and co-dependence) to cause anxiety over something that wasn't even real.

I had created a story through the lens of my absenteeism and failures as an addicted parent. I realize now that I have more to process in my recovery.

The lesson here is that almost 100% of the time the way we view life isn't true. Our perspective is diluted by subconscious beliefs and past experiences.

Knowing this, we can ask ourselves "How can I see this differently" when faced with what seems like a difficult scenario. This question opens space to allow the Universe to use that opportunity to help us grow.

This is how reality is created. We choose the meaning of each life experience and that dictates the direction of our path, our emotional regulation, and fulfillment of our desires.

Life is literally what we want it to be.

Once we attach to a meaning, the Universe will take the directive and add more of what we want. If you want something to be difficult, keep seeing it that way.

Additionally, if we aren't deliberately choosing, our EGO will create meaning for us. Our journey, emotions, and vision for ourselves will be created by default (see my article on how the EGO works).

Again I stand in awe of how my son effortlessly teaches me life lessons one after the other. I hope I can be like him when I grow up.

To illustrate how this all works, here is a simple model for how we create reality or have it created for us.

What happens in life is simply experience. It is objective, without meaning.

Conditioning is our worldview based on beliefs, trauma, environment, etc. That is the filter we use to interpret life experiences.

Once we've assigned meaning to life, it becomes subjective. It is now colored by our individual lens. By using discernment, we then have a choice to create our reality or allow it to be created for us.

When we create reality, we choose the meaning of each experience and that guides our internal and external landscapes. When we allow reality to be created for us, we are on auto-pilot so our subconscious conditioning chooses the meaning and we are not controlling our life.

And so it is with addiction recovery.

If you want to remain an addict experiencing a difficult life, then you'll view opportunities such as relapse as failure. You will react to triggers from a place of exasperation and hopelessness instead of curiosity. You will make yourself small and helpless to the 'disease' of addiction.

As a recovery community, we have created shame around relapses. Society as taken the role of meaning-making for us. For example, the ceremonial 'walk of shame' in front of a group of people to get a new white chip.

The meaning of your relapse is defined by you. You are the author of your story. There isn't a book, person, or group who can tell you otherwise.

So, some questions to ask the next time you are faced with what you perceive as a difficult challenge in your sobriety:

What is this situation teaching me?

How can I see this differently?

How can this be the best thing that has ever happened to me?

Who is this showing me I am spiritually?

The key is to approach your life with curiosity instead of condemnation. This puts you in the power position. And it sets your life on a new trajectory.

Join the discussion! I'd love to hear your feedback and/or experiences around this topic. Or, if you have questions, reply to this email, and let's chat!

💚 Dallas