The Meth-y Things We Do.

Hot meth express. All aboard.

That was a big joke of mine during active addiction.

Like most drug-induced humor, it was not really funny.

The effects of meth on my brain convinced me that I loved the chaos of my life in active addiction. Each day was more unpredictable than the last.

It also convinced me that I had been missing out on the 'dark side' of sex. The voice in my head said, 'This is who you were all along.'

Are you familiar with that lie?

Meth is intelligent enough to know that you've been searching for a certain state of being. A state of belonging and acceptance. A state of freedom. And if you sell your soul to the drug, you can have it anytime you want.

Of course, the problem is that the feeling is only temporary, and when you 'wake up' from a bender, you realize you're even more lonely and insecure than before.

Often, during a come-down, I would reflect on the 'meth-y' things I had done while high. The guilt, regret, and terror would encapsulate me like a coffin.

I recall waking up in a house I couldn't remember. Everything looked brand new. I actually believed for an hour that I had crossed into a different dimension.

The guy I had been with was passed out on the bed with a rope around his neck, tied to the headboard. A large TV screen on the wall was projecting me looking at him.

Can you imagine the sheer confusion and panic?

I stared at the screen, trying to figure out how I was inside the movie. I moved my arms up and down and finally realized I was being recorded.

I couldn't find my clothes.

I found the bathroom and took a hot shower which seemed to conjure up enough flashbacks to string together the last few days.

If what I remembered I did with that rope and on that bed was being recorded the whole time, I could probably be arrested.

Stepping out of the shower, I remembered where I had left my bag. I collected my belongings, ensured he was still breathing, and got the hell out of there.

Guys, who we became on meth is not who we are. It didn't unlock some authentic part of you. It changed your brain chemistry. It fucked with your psyche.

Now, it's time to take control and become the person you truly were meant to be. A person you haven't met yet. A person who experiences freedom on a new level.

Are you ready? I have a couple of slots opening up soon for my 1:1 coaching program tailored individually for you, anonymously, without taking time for rehab and 12-step meetings. Reply "NOW" to this email to get started.

Listen to The AfterMeth Podcast, or you can watch the podcast here:

Podcast Study Guide

In this powerful and candid interview, Holden, author of "HOLD'N IT DOWN: A CHAOTIC MEMOIR OF ADDICTION, SEX, AND RECOVERY," shares his harrowing journey through meth addiction and sexual compulsion to recovery.

His story begins with early experiences that shaped his relationship with sex and self-worth. By the age of 18, Holden had already slept with over 300 men through Craigslist, struggling with body image issues and constantly seeking approval from men.

Holden's introduction to meth came through a sexual partner, initiating a cycle that would dominate his life for years. Although he initially stopped using for several months after his first experience, the offer of free meth lured him back.

Soon, he found himself using alone at home and seeking out partners on dating sites for both drugs and sex. As his addiction escalated, so did his sexual behaviors, engaging in increasingly risky and extreme practices.

Holden candidly discusses how he used manipulation to obtain drugs and sexual partners, feeling objectified and struggling with his self-esteem.

A pivotal moment in Holden's story is his HIV diagnosis, which occurred during a sexual encounter in a motel room. Shockingly, in his meth-induced mindset, he initially found the danger "hot."

This led to a period of "bug chasing," where he actively sought out HIV-positive partners, rationalizing it as taking control of what he saw as an inevitable infection.

Holden's road to recovery began with 12-step programs, particularly Narcotics Anonymous (NA). He emphasizes the importance of finding the right sponsor and the challenges he faced in early recovery, including the loss of sexual drive and difficulty enjoying sober sex.

Over time, Holden learned to rediscover his sexuality without drugs or porn, developing a healthier understanding of intimacy.

Today, Holden's life in recovery is markedly different. He's in a healthy relationship with a non-user partner, enjoying a satisfying sober sex life.

Professionally, he works in a corporate office for a recovery center, though he cautions against replacing personal recovery work with a job in the field. Holden also hosts "The Sober Unicorn" podcast, where he shares openly about his journey, including his relapses.

Throughout the interview, Holden offers valuable advice for those in various stages of addiction and recovery. For those still actively using, he stresses the importance of honesty - with oneself and others - and encourages seeking help, even when it's frightening.

To those in early recovery, he advises patience, especially when it comes to healing sexually and emotionally. He suggests exploring one's body and sexuality slowly, without the use of pornography.

For long-term recovery, Holden emphasizes the need to stay vigilant about triggers and high-risk situations and to continue working on self-awareness and honesty.

Reflective Questions:

1. How has my addiction impacted my self-worth and how I view my body/sexuality?
2. What unhealthy patterns or behaviors around sex and relationships do I need to address in recovery?
3. How can I redefine intimacy and connection in sobriety?
4. What triggers or high-risk situations do I need to be aware of to prevent relapse?
5. How can I be more honest with myself and others about my struggles?

Journal Prompts:

1. Write about a time you manipulated someone to get drugs or sex. How does it make you feel looking back now?
2. Describe your ideal healthy, sober sex life and relationship. What steps can you take to work towards that?
3. What aspects of your sexuality or sexual history are you ashamed of? How can you practice self-compassion?
4. Write a letter to your addicted self with compassion and advice.
5. Reflect on your motivations for getting sober. How have they evolved over time?

Action Exercises:

1. Attend a 12-step or other recovery meeting and share honestly about your struggles with sex/relationships.
2. Practice mindful self-pleasure without porn, focusing on rediscovering your body.
3. Have an open conversation with a partner or trusted friend about your sexual history and goals for healthy intimacy.
4. Make a list of your common manipulation tactics and brainstorm healthier alternatives.
5. Reach out to someone you've hurt or manipulated in addiction and make amends if appropriate.