4 Steps to Forgive the Passed

What happened was inexcusable. But they died before closure could happen.

Unforgiveness can be the invisible shackles that hold your entire life hostage. How can you forgive or be forgiven after that person has passed?

The energy of unforgiveness is dense and can act like a computer virus in your nervous system. The virus slows down your capacity for growth, peace, and love. Left ignored, this energy can manifest as a physical, mental, or spiritual disease.

For as long as I can remember, I hated my abusive alcoholic father with a fiery passion. My childhood was riddled with memories that still hijacked my nervous system as an adult. He died alone, sick, and helpless. I believed that was my last hope of reconciliation.

The process of forgiveness has coincided with both my sobriety and spiritual journeys. It has been a painful five years of work, but I have been able to unpack the energy of unforgiveness toward him. Releasing these emotions made space for an amazing amount of peace that has transcended all aspects of my life.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened or obtaining closure with someone. Forgiveness is about shifting your perspective to encompass divine order. Forgiveness is about re-writing history. Forgiveness is an opportunity for you to exert your highest power as a co-creator on this planet.

Here are the four steps I've taken so far:

Awareness.

As an addict, I am very good at denial. Denying the existence of a problem allows some temporary relief. But, compartmentalizing emotions only incubates the energy, forcing alternative outlets. This is the root of disease; physical ailments or depression.

How can you detect unforgiveness? One quick method is to close your eyes and visualize the person or situation in question. Now, without labeling or judging, observe the immediate emotions that arise. How does it feel?

Forgiveness identifies itself as compassion and neutrality. If you are feeling anger, resentment, or sadness your nervous system is speaking. Sometimes NOT feeling anything (apathy or indifference) signifies compartmentalizing. Another sign of unforgiveness is feeling stuck or stagnant in your life.

For me, forgiveness didn't happen in an instant, it slowly faded in degrees of gradience. I experienced many breakthrough moments of empathy along the way. At each milestone, reflection revealed the presence of anger on some level.

I noticed that I grew spiritually and mentally as my heart shifted toward my father. It was as if I was removing hidden obstructions. The deeper I looked, the more hurt I uncovered. When we approach unforgiveness with the spirit of openness, we allow the light of awareness to reveal all possibilities.

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Awareness is the decision to be open to all possibilities. It is the state of mind in which we can accept that multiple truths can exist simultaneously. For example, I had forgiven my father, but only on a certain level. Use caution when thinking in absolutes (ex: "Ok, that issue is completely done!") because often these are lies to avoid the work. Be aware of the words and the tone you use when speaking of the person or situation needing forgiveness-- where do you take the conversation? Your words reflect your heart.

Responsibility.

Accepting that all experiences are created by you and for you can be a difficult pill to swallow. Do you believe that all things are divinely ordered for your ultimate good? Even if the incident was clearly not your fault or hideous in nature?

You can achieve objectivity by viewing the situation from a third-person viewpoint. By removing the self-centeredness, you are able to discern what God might be helping you to learn. Also, analyze the timeline of your life to detect repeated patterns and emotions. Similar situations and people will show up for you until you learn the greater lesson.

Nothing in life is personal. The embodiment of this notion requires you to separate the person from the act. Your personal offense fades into compassion. What seemed malicious before reveals itself as their own trauma patterns. Now you've set the stage for deep healing.

In active addiction, I mirrored my father when it came to how I treated my children. This after decades of vowing to be different than him and judging his actions. But, experiencing addiction allowed me to view his actions from a new perspective. Instead of anger, compassion (to suffer alongside) arose in me.

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Taking responsibility for your life does not excuse the other person's actions. There is empowerment in making this shift, and a peace that surpasses all logical understanding. The attachment to other people's actions falls away, which unfetters us enough to gain deeper insight into ourselves. P.S. this process does not require a conversation or any other act of closure with the person-- forgiveness is an inside job.

Unpacking.

Forgiveness means releasing the attachment to the story you've accepted as truth. Most likely, this story was created from your emotional reaction to the original situation. This story has been filtered through thoughts, which become beliefs, then emotions, which then drive your actions.

Unpacking the layers of forgiveness, as seen in the diagram below, is by far the most painful phase. This step (most likely) involves inner child work, and you may have to work with a professional in order to protect your nervous system from shock.

Within a meditative state, I revisited the situations that came to mind around my father. I relived them, which brought up the same emotions as if I were 7 years old again. I leaned into these emotions, allowing them to run their entire course, and observed with curiosity.

With each revisit, I uncovered the thoughts that had imprinted on my young mind. Identifying thoughts led to unpacking the beliefs I accepted about myself. Suddenly there was clarity around my typical emotional state as an adult. I then understood the path my life had taken, especially around addiction.

The unforgiveness had been the author of my story. A story that had been created out of the maladaptive techniques of a boy too young to understand the gravity of his father's situation. For decades I had held on to misplaced anger and resentment born from a story that wasn't even true.

Forgiveness requires a deep understanding of self; an unpacking of many layers in order to understand truth.

Edit.

Miracles happen when you find ways to rewrite the stories that breed unforgiveness. Revising your story begins with the way in which you speak about that person or incident. If you continue to give energy to the negative emotions, they will continue to thrive.

Instead of “This person did this to me and it was unjust and I was hurt” try: “This incident happened and I reacted this way.”

The subtle edits in your language can diffuse the power a story holds over you. The way you speak can close off pathways of healing. Once you’ve let go of the old story, you’ll witness new timelines constellating in your current life.

The act of forgiveness is about creating a reality that is aligned with your soul. When you fully accept the underlying purpose, what the person did and who they are loses relevance.

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How can you edit the story, even a little, to begin the process of forgiveness? What if you only said "Maybe there's a new way to see this situation or person." You don't have to believe it right away, but allowing those words to leave your lips can spark transformation. Your words are your power. Editing the story, I promise, will edit your entire ilfe's direction. You'll find newfound peace and clarity of understanding.

Imagine living life shackled to a concrete ball that you drag around everywhere you go. Now imagine the ease, freedom, and gratitude released when those shackles are unlocked.

This is forgiveness.

Each word of this letter is embedded with healing and heartfelt intention to help eliminate the suffering of all beings. I would love to hear from you! If you'd like to continue the conversation, reply to this newsletter or email me at dallas@drdallasbragg.com.

Love to all!

P.S. If you'd like to go a bit deeper, or skip the reading and listen to my story of forgiveness, here is a supplemental YouTube video:

If interested, check out my latest guided meditation:

If you are interested in checking out my channeled coaching option, let me know! I will call in your angels to help! It is a perfect mix of divine and practical. But don't take my word for it: