4 Ways to Find (True) Belonging in Recovery

You may not be old enough to remember the Sesame Street jingle:

"One of these things is not like the other...One of these things doesn't belong!"

For reference, here's an example:

Using the video example, I was the blue balloon in my family.

The sinner.

The outlier.

The black sheep.

The queer.

I believed from an early age that I didn't belong. That belief became an Exclusion Schema (aka Social IsolationSchema).

When one carries a schema, it filters the lens through which one views the world.

This means two people can have the same experience but interpret it differently.

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Example: Both you and your friend were not invited to Susie's party. You interpret it as "Susie doesn't like me, and no one wants me around." Your friend interprets it as, "Oh, Susie must have limited room and had to make some hard choices." Your narrative is written from a place of exclusion.

With this belief in mind, I found ways to prove I didn't belong through grade school, high school, and most of my adult life.

Not getting asked to dance at prom;

Getting picked last for team sports;

Not getting the promotion;

These experiences happened because of my beliefs. I expected not to belong, so my actions followed suit:

Standing in the corner not making eye contact at prom.

Not even trying to learn or play a sport.

Being a negative employee because I felt threatened by the boss.

You see, what I thought was the cause of my isolation was only the effect of my thoughts.

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" - Wayne Dyer

Believing I was excluded landing me right into the living room of the guy who showed me how to smoke meth for the first time.

I saw the gay community as an evil group of men who hated me. That was my narrative.

I was convinced that the meth community was where I belonged. I was wrong.

Guys, I'm taking ONE more 1:1 Coaching Client for September. If you are interested in working with me in my Recovery Alchemy program, click here to apply.

Here Are 4 Ways to Experience True Belonging:

As humans, we need to belong. Its as fundamental as breathing.

This is why the ultimate punishment in prison is solitary confinement. Isolation will destroy us becasue we are essentially social creatures.

You may have heard the phrase, "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, its connection." To understand belonging is to live a true life of recovery.

True belonging isn't about fitting in or conforming to others' expectations. It's about being so much a part of something that you can't NOT be a part of it.

Let's explore:

The Shadow Side of Belonging

Beware of false belonging, often disguised as the real thing. Cults, dysfunctional families, and certain social groups can offer a sense of belonging that comes with conditions and punishments for non-conformity.

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In dysfunctional families, for example, children might become either the "scapegoat" (ostracized for not conforming) or the "golden child" (erasing their identity to fit in).

Both situations create a false sense of belonging that can lead to struggles with authenticity and connection later in life.

I know you feel you've bonded with your meth user buddies. This is because while you're high on meth, 24 hours with someone is the equivalent of spending 3 months together.

When we trauma bond with others, it feels familiar and comfortable. It is easy to feel a sense of belonging.

The condition here is that you use a substance. Without meth, "one of these things is not like the other..."

Authenticity: The Key to Belonging

To find true belonging, we must let our real selves be known - first to ourselves, then to the world.

It's about giving up on trying to fit in and instead finding the people who accept us as we are.

As meth addicts, we have juggled many personas:

Meth you, Family you, Friend you, Partner you, Work you...etc.

This gets exhausting for you, leading to persona fatigue. One of the incentives of using meth is to get some relief from the energy it takes to keep up appearances.

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Authenticity means defining who you are and then showing up as that person no matter what. Often this requires establising clear boundaries and letting go of people who bought into an incorrect version of you.

The Role of Self-Concept and Shame

If you're struggling with belonging, it might be because you're operating from a place of shame.

Shame is rooted in parts of yourself being rejected by others.

Referring to my introduction, parts of my true self were rejected because I didn't fit the mold my family created.

I became ashamed and began hating parts of myself.

This ultimately led me to creating the self-fulfilling prophecy that "I don't belong anywhere."

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To find where we belong, we must first find that within ourselves. To feel a sense of connection within, we must love and accept all parts of ourselves. What is a part of you that was rejected by others? That's where your shame lies and the barrier to belonging.

Cultivating Belonging

Look for similarities instead of differences: If we suffer from non-belonging, we tend to scan for differences. Try to actively look for ways you're similar to others instead.

Connect through shared experiences: Pain can be isolating, but recognizing that others experience similar pain can create a sense of connection. This is part of why support groups like NA, AA, and CMA can be so effective.

Accept and validate others' experiences: Acceptance doesn't mean agreeing with everything, but rather acknowledging others' experiences as valid. This creates an atmosphere of belonging.

Be mindful of how your thoughts, words, and actions either push people away or bring them closer: Every thought, word, and action either creates connection or disconnection. Pay attention to the subtle energies at play in your interactions.

Remember, you are an indivisible part of this universe. There is nothing in this universe that doesn't belong to you, and nothing you don't belong to.

This connection exists whether you recognize it or not. Embracing this truth can help you cultivate a deeper sense of belonging in all aspects of your life.

You already belong!! Without having to DO anything.

Love you all, Dallas 💚

P.S. I'm taking ONE more 1:1 Coaching Client for September. If you are interested in working with me in my Recovery Alchemy program, click here to apply.

Reflection Question: Think about a time when you felt a true sense of belonging. What made that experience different from times when you felt like you didn't belong?

Action Step: This week, try to notice one way each day that you're similar to someone else, rather than different. How does this shift your sense of connection? may not be able to control when they show up, but you can control how you respond.