Are You Addicted to Being Addicted?

Growing up, I didn't fake sickness to skip school.

I wanted the drama.

I wanted the attention.

I wanted to feel special.

Once I was attached to the story of 'sick boy,' I could enjoy popsicles, snuggles, and all-day cartoons.

However, the core need this role fulfilled for me was much deeper and more vital.

I was seen.

To be seen is the most gratifying feeling we exerience as humans.

To be fully seen without judgment, to me, is the antidote to addiction.

So, what is the cause? Neglect. Our basic intrinsic needs have been neglected. So, we seek extrinsically to fill them.

I hear it every day; gay men using crystal meth as a means to be seen by other men. Taking on the parTier role so they, too, can get their popsicles (drugs), snuggles (PnP), and all-day cartoons (porn).

Some who are stuck inside the meth addiction loop are keeping themselves there. They like the role and the special attention it gives them.

They identify with the story. The script feels familiar. It allows them to be seen.

Why get sober and be lost in the sea of normal people out there? The on-set extras. We want to be the headliner.

This phenomenon is what I call "Addicted to Addiction."

Here are 5 telltale questions that will help you reflect on your own situation.

1. Am I Comfortable With Chaos?

Is your life one haphazard after another? The car is constantly breaking down, arguments with your partner, family drama, work stress, etc.

Ever notice that the same people seem to experience chaotic situation after chaotic situation? This isn't an accident.

Often, we grow up in tumultuous environments, so our brains are wired to expect and even seek out similar situations.

Others grew up in straight-laced, religious-type households, which caused the need to create chaos.

Whatever the reason, are you that person who is thriving in the drama of their lives because it distracts from the real work of recovery? Are you allowing yourself to spiral into chaotic situations to give yourself an excuse to relapse?

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It is time to get comfortable with peace. Start by devoting time to sit in silence. Stare into the mirror. Go off-line. It will be uncomfortable, but it is time to do the work of recovery, my friend.

Today is the last day to sign up for my 1:1 Caoching Program for September to break free from crystal meth. Reply "COACHING" to this email to get started.

2. Do I Love the Struggle?

Being a victim of addiction, always struggling, being triggered at every turn. Has this become your personal narrative?

Does the story of struggle provide you with a dopamine fix? Maybe you are getting high from the friction of trying not to get high.

The constant state of crisis keeps our adrenaline pumping, and over time, we can become addicted to that feeling. Recovery starts to feel boring in comparison.

This adrenaline addiction is rooted in our body's physiological responses. When we're in crisis mode, our body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

These hormones can create a sense of alertness and even euphoria. Over time, we might start to crave this biochemical cocktail, seeking out stressful situations to get our fix.

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How do you feel when you are doing well in recovery? Dull? Lifeless? Does talking about the struggle of addiction give you energy? Life? Does it motivate you to attend meetings and make posts on social media? What is your motivation for sharing?

3. Does Recovery Threaten My Identity?

You know how every sitcom has the same basic personalities? The dumb one, the slut, the smart ass, the sage.

Are you clinging on to being an addict because it gives you a sense of belonging? It has subconciously become your personal 'schtick'?

You're the one who's always dealing with something, always has a story to tell. It's how people know you, maybe even how you know yourself. Letting go of that narrative can feel like losing a part of yourself.

This identity trap goes deep. We might have built our entire self-concept around being the "survivor," the "fixer," or the "rebel." Our struggles become our story, and that story becomes who we are.

The idea of being "just a regular person" might seem not only foreign but even threatening.

Furthermore, this identity can affect our relationships. We might surround ourselves with people who reinforce this chaotic identity, pushing away those who encourage stability.

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Ask yourself: Who would I be in recovery? Is the answer hard to find? Are you afraid if you recover from addiction, you will no longer have a place in the world? Are you afraid someone else will be cast in your role and you'll fade into the background?

4. Are I Creating a Smokescreen?

Here's a tough pill to swallow: sometimes, we use the chaos as an excuse.

Can't hold down a job? It's because of all the stress. Failed relationship? Well, with everything going on, how could it work?

The addiction narrative gives us a ready-made explanation for why things aren't going well, saving us from having to take a hard look at ourselves.

This excuse engine can be incredibly powerful and sneaky. It allows us to avoid taking responsibility for our actions and their consequences. Instead of acknowledging our role in our problems, we can point to the chaos in our lives as the culprit.

The danger here is that this mindset can keep us stuck. If we're always blaming our circumstances, we never develop the skills or mindset needed to create positive change.

It can lead to a sense of learned helplessness, where we believe we're powerless to improve our situation.

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Quitting meth is the easy part of recovery. The hard work happens after. Without our coping mechanism, our emotional pain anesthetic, we are left raw and vulnerable. Then, everything we've suppressed comes up and is ready to be processed. That is when it gets REAL. Creating a story around 'how hard you have it' and a barrage of degradation about how much of a failure you are can be a smokescreen to keep you in the place where you can bypass the work.

5. Am I Afraid of Calm?

When you're used to putting out fires all the time, a calm life can feel... well, kind of scary.

What do you do with yourself when there's no crisis to manage? The quiet can force us to face thoughts and feelings we've been avoiding, which can be pretty uncomfortable.

Sometimes, it feels easier to just keep the chaos going.

This fear of calm is often rooted in a fear of the unknown. We know how to handle chaos – we've had plenty of practice. But a peaceful life? That's uncharted territory.

It requires different skills, different ways of thinking, and a different way of relating to ourselves and others.

Moreover, calm can feel boring or even meaningless if we're used to the intensity of a chaotic life. We might struggle to find purpose or excitement in everyday activities.

This can lead to a sense of restlessness or emptiness that we try to fill by creating more drama.

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How can you move forward in your recovery if you don't know where you are going? This is the number one task we complete in my coaching program: a vision of the future. Imagine and feel the emotion of your future life in recovery: calm, peace, and happiness. This will drive your subconscious to lessen the cravings and push more toward your new reality.

If you've read this far, thank you. I really appreciate the support of the words and messages I weave my passion into. My life's purpose is to make an impact on the lives of people with crystal meth addiction. I will not stop writing or recording or coaching.

That said, as you read these questions, really look inward and ask yourself some challenging questions. Are you subconciously holding yourself in addiction? Are you addicted to being addicted?

If so, reach out to me. Let's get you moving forward.

Love, Dallas 💚